This has been the most difficult finals week of my academic career. Regarding next term: Goal #1 Don't get sick. Goal #2 If goal 1 is not achieved, do not get very sick. Here's to hoping my next one will be better than this one!

I have one more final left...
But I am much more interested in my winter break reading.

So far I will be choosing between:
Aviation from the Ground Up
The Shack (a highly controversial book I've wanted to read but not wanted to start for lack of ambition to read it while everyone was 'up in arms' about this and that point.)
The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad
Leadership and Self-deception recommended to me by my boyfriend
Tuesdays with Morrie (a classic that was given to me off hand by a friend of a friend)
as well as picking away at these long time companions that I simply cannot chew up all at once:
The Letters of  Vincent Van Gogh
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

So many choices! And I haven't even gotten to books I requested for Christmas! Oh, and given the absurd class load I will have next term, I suppose I should get on that reading...but not for the first half of break.

I will never be a mermaid.

I am learning the full circle of stress--
learning it with all of its particles.
This is much more than a "beginning, middle, and end."
We are not talking about literary rising action
or falling action.
Though it has all of that.
I mean the living
--and the breathing--
bits of stress and anxiety.
It is like looking at yourself
in a mirror
underwater.
You are not allowed up until
you learn something,
but you never wanted to look
in the first place.

And so I learn the full circle of stress--
emotional CPR
and eye drops for chlorinated vision.
I learn the headaches
I receive just after the dreams start.
I learn not to ignore the dreams
if I expect to greet my life the next day.
I learn that the dreams aren't reality,
but they are a sort of mirror
for those who can bear to look.

But I have yet to learn
how to breathe underwater
and I am afraid
by how slowly I learn.

poetry like a game of scrabble.

I want to drink words that have aged like a fine wine.
     It has been awhile and I do not quite feel myself.
     But...how could I be anyone but me?
     Maybe if I could hear the world in another's words,
     I would find myself.

I want to slow down time and to stop wishing for the rewind.
     I keep missing things and I know it but I am helpless.
     Why is that the important things travel fastest?
     How is it that they feel heavier?
     Perhaps, to force us to drop what does not matter.

I want to hold the seconds tighter as if they could be mine.
     My arrogance tells me I would be a better clock keeper.
     ...As if that will fix my problems.
     Changing time will not teach me to use it well.
     Wisdom comes, it seems, from failing.

I found an old favorite poem and I believe in sharing.

To Walk the Knife

I cherish quiet friendship more than anything I own,
And love the sound of laughter, yet I long to be alone.
A solitary spirit on a never-ending quest,
I roam a twilight forest as a strange, expected guest,

Or watch a new horizon when the darkness turns to run,
And stare with blinding wonder at the beauty of the sun.
A knife of dreams and visions is the price of what I do -
I walk its edge with bleeding feet to bring that world to you;

For sometimes in the shadows or the early morning mist,
I stand between the worlds and know that all of them exist;
And if I were to stumble or to put a foot astray,
Then I would fall to madness and forever lose my way.

The earth is filled with wonder; ev'ry hill and secret brook
Can be your inspiration if you take the time to look.
Exhilarating moments just beyond the blade of life
Will change your soul forever if you dare to walk the knife. 

M. Teresa Blaylock

October Leaving

I kept a pretty thorough log of 'doing one thing everyday that scares me'. A lot of days were pretty uneventful and I really had to examine myself, but I succeeded everyday except for October 11th. Most of the things I was scared of had to do with hurting other people even if I needed to do what I should (like tell the truth or just say 'no I can't do that') or with not feeling equipped to handle a situation and being afraid that it was going to end very, very badly. I was just going to post the list, but things repeated a lot and I have decided I do not like the list format. It kind of divorces the fears from their context and I'm not so much a fan of that.

A few of the highlight events that revealed these things were my oral and practical exams for my mechanic's certification (I have never tried so hard to do something I didn't want to do!), dealing with some family/financial drama, trying very hard not to pick a fight with my landlady, and trying to learn how to cope with life without shutting down my emotions (apparently that means I stay home from school if I have a migraine, say what?). Oh and I bought a dress and danced with my boyfriend *in front of people*.

All in all, I am very glad October is over...not so that I can stop doing scary things, but because it was a very full month. My prayer for November is that it shows a little mercy. However, the mercy I receive may or may not be related to the mercy I allow myself to take in. October was confronting fear, maybe November can be about receiving mercy and grace. October, unrelated to the confronting fear, taught me a lot about my shortcomings, faults, failures, and the way in which I hurt people. I am very acquainted with all the things which make me ugly. I could use a healing balm. I expect anything that could bring healing to initially be terrifying, but I may just be ready.




Oh, also, I am an A&P mechanic! That was one of the gifts October left me with.

writing your own story

I have been following Stephanie's blog for a couple of months now. She is an excellent photographer and an incredibly impressive baker/chef. She has a gift with food. She makes it art. However, the post I am sharing today is not one of her recipes but one of her musings on purpose in life, choices, and building the life you want. It is excellent. She has words that so many need to hear. Even though many people make up that "many who needs this", everyone thinks they are totally alone.

Everything that needs to be done is.
Everything that can be done will be.
That is, until
Tomorrow.
Then, we will start again.
It is frustration and it is grace.
And then I am humbled
for being frustrated by grace.