I don't change for you.

Every time I ignore a fashion trend and reach for the same clothes that have been comfortable through the last dozen fashions, I am saying in my own way “I don’t change for you”.

 

Every morning that I wake up with my only beauty routine being that of showering and maybe checking my eyebrows, I say “this is how I like myself”.

 

My unpainted nails, my boring shoes, my hurriedly brushed hair, are all saying the same thing: "I will not pretend to care about things that I don’t enjoy."  

 

You cannot trick me into investing in trends that will change just as I master them. I will invest in myself in more lasting ways. I will change when I need and want to, not when someone else decides.

Death is everywhere today. It’s the anniversary of a good friend's brother's early death. It’s the Wednesday before the memorial for my husband’s paternal grandmother. The Wednesday after the memorial for his maternal grandmother. We are in the middle, the thick of it, as they say. All this year, people have been leaving, dying, just a couple of degrees away from me. But it’s never actually me losing them. So I don’t know how to grieve.

There’s nothing lost, but something is missing from all of my favorite people. The ghost of grief hovers in my peripheral whispering things that I can’t actually hear. And I don’t mean to make this about me. I only mean to say I’m sad with all of you, but I also feel like I don’t have the right. So I’m sorry if I say the wrong thing or say nothing at all.

This evening is unbearably beautiful. All full of cicadas and the very best weather that Kansas could ever offer after too many days of hot humidity. And I am a wreck. Or maybe I am the storm with wreckage floating about in me.

I am hopeful and angry and afraid.

And the sun is silently sinking behind the trees where it will play at peeking until it finds the firm horizon. I want to let that beauty pool on my skin and soak deep into my wounded heart, but I am not ready. I am not done hurting yet.

I am impatient and frustrated and a little hungry.

The squirrels keep sneaking around the porch and making me jump. Evil, playful creatures. The birds sing out their warning but I am deaf to their language. For all I know they are laughing at me.

I am distracted and lazy and scattered.

This is my fourth day in this temporary house in a brand new state. I leave tomorrow but it now feels like home. I think I could live here forever if my husband wasn't so far away. I wonder if everyone adapts so quickly.

I don't know what I am. Tired? Still angry.

I am firmly planted in a rocking chair on the porch. Hope flits around inside of me, from my chest to my limbs and back again. It surveys the damage and tries to do what it can; but I won't let it help yet. I try to ready it for the long, cautious watch. I find the pickax, the blanket, the work boots; and I wonder over whatever it is that keeps hope alive.

What is it that keeps hope alive?

Family Games

12 years. I pause here every time just to stack the days up like poker chips that I’ve been hoarding. Lead poker chips, always heavier and colder than I expect. 12 years. Moving in and out. Alcohol. Drugs. Anger. Always so much anger. Leave. Come back. Don’t talk about it. There isn’t anything to do so there isn’t anything to say. Don’t talk about it. Love him. Like he won’t love you. Like he don’t love anyone. Forgive him. Like sunrise. Everyday. Except some days the sun shines brighter. And some days your forgiveness is more convincing than others.

It’s August 15th. Twelve years comes to full close. Now we can talk about it. He’s gone. He’s in rehab. He chose this day. Maybe he thought that he’d make God proud. Anger erupts from every corner of the family. Like it hasn’t been there the whole time. Like it hasn’t hurt the whole time. But this is the first day we say it, out loud, to each other. Can’t take it back now. Can’t say that you don’t know how bad it hurt all of us to wait.

12 years. Nearly half my life spent praying he wouldn’t be crazy, wouldn’t be evil, wouldn’t be selfish, wouldn’t be home. Or that he would be home. 12 years of not knowing what I wanted because we could never say that what we had was stealing our favorite parts of ourselves. 12 years living inside a poker face trying to bluff our family into happiness or at least safety.

And now we have 12 months. In 12 months he’ll be home and we’ll have to figure out what it means to start over. Do we start new? Start at the beginning? Start over? But mostly, will I need these poker chips?

There is something about the light that I love. I could spend every sunrise and sunset with a camera and never resent the hours I could have slept or otherwise spent. I always want to drop everything and follow the unseen path that those golden hours create, making all the old things new and the new things newer still. It is this love of light that always draws me to the stars, to the clouds, and to the sky. Relentlessly.

I've been reading a lot about the Space Race time in history. Now all I can think about is how much I love the sky, the science that lets us touch it, and the light it contains.

The truth is, I am never going to want something else the way I wanted to fly. The way I still want to fly. After trying for years to redirect this longing, I simply cannot imagine succeeding. I've taken a good hard look at my life. I know that flying just doesn't fit right now, doesn't fit in the foreseeable future, and almost never pencils out when you don't even know how you'll use it. It is in the way of every other goal I have. Every other goal I have is in the way of flying. Me against myself. Myself against me. Stale mate.

But I still want it. I debate with myself constantly. Am I down and out of the game? Or am I just on a low that I will pull myself up from? Back and forth I go. My friends and family have their opinions and perspectives; but, unless someone is paying for flight school, it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. It doesn't even matter what I think. I think but I don't really know anything.

I'm on a work trip for my new career that doesn't include air planes the way I once expected. It's hard to fly commercially in a painful deep-down-that-I-can't-explain way. It makes my bones ache. On the flight out here, I wrestled and I found some of the right words. You see, there is no plan. Since I got fired from what I thought was my dream job turned night mare, I have tried to adapt and, in adapting, I have tried to manufacture a plan. And then another and another. But there isn't one. These last three years, there has been no plan. I am only just now believing and accepting that.

This week's goals include: do a good job, make time for the important things that present themselves, and don't be a jerk. Above all, invest in and appreciate the good things that are currently in my life. They just might be a vital part of the plan that I haven't discovered yet. I try to shake this hope for flying but what I am discovering is that, some days, hoping is not hard or heavy. Other days, it is just asking too much. So I do it when I can and leave it in some proverbial box under the bed when I can't. I marvel at my own inconsistency. I am learning not to apologize for it because it is better to be strong and able some days than no days.

I don't understand why I want to fly. I don't understand with all the might of my analyzing abilities why it hurts so bad to be so far away from flight. I am a practical person, by and large. This is not a practical longing. But it is mine and I belong to it. So I will hope and not hope in turn; but above all, through all, and with all, I wait. And I keep busy while I wait. But if you look closely at my face whenever I am flying on a sales trip at sunset, I am always fighting back tears.

Oh Lord, my God, for what was I made if not for this, the sky?

I sit with Job.

 

In the silence. In the midst of his friends. In grief.

I sit with Job not knowing what to do or say or think. My mind is numb. I watch the lines in his face hoping to learn how the righteous suffer.

We scrape our sores with clay pots broken just like You broke us. The voice of Isaiah surrounds us as he watches the potter. I try so hard not to ask why You made me.

All of Job’s friends have left, all of my friends have left. They had nothing good to say, but they filled the silences when I was tempted to speak. When Job speaks, my breath catches and I mouth the words that he says for all of us.

I sit with Job and I think of Moses hidden in the cleft of the rock watching your glory pass by. Oh that you would pass by.

I sit with Job and I know that I have no right to ask you to come this way. But we need you to.

I sit with Job and I wait.

Open and Shut

When one door shuts, another opens. Right? Kind of.

Last Thursday I was acutely aware of the feeling of wanting to "go through a new door" but needing to shut one first. I guess it's good housekeeping. But mostly, it felt final, nauseating, and a little scary.

Let me move beyond metaphor.

Since March I have been in contact with a company trying to figure out if they have a place for me. This is a career change. And it is not a fluid one. We are talking about the difference between wrenching on airplanes and selling fair trade food products. I originally applied for a warehouse position. We interviewed. I networked like mad, wore my orange pants, and in general tried to be as kind and as memorable as possible. That process was from March to May. They gave me the kindest "no" I have ever received and promised to call if there was another position. Everyone promises that when they don't want to feel the discomfort of denying you. The thing is, my interview questions were *hard*, personal, and to the point. These people do not do things the comfortable way. Some part of me actually expected them to contact me. That optimism held out for a week or so and then back to the problems at hand.

July comes and they call me to request that I put an application in for a sales position. My response? "What makes you think I'm qualified for sales?" I receive a rather thoughtful answer and submit my application that night. Two weeks and three interviews later, I have a job offer. A door opens. But I cannot walk through it with my airplanes in tow. And that terrifies me.

Do I want too many things out of life? Do I even know what I want? What on earth makes me think that I can do this? I have a vacuum of experience to offer where I usually have a cornucopia of skills and experiences from my long history of dabbling. Now, I have a two year contract in a job that I would have laughed at if it were any other company asking me to do it.

And so, last Thursday I gave my notice. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in pursuing a future and dreams and purpose. I was so very aware of the sound of my doorway to flying closing. No one ever told me that I would ever have to be the catalyst to my own doors closing. All of my skills are in finding the new options, in reacting to closed doors, and in identifying that they are indeed closed. But this one? I shut it. I can't blame my family, my boss, my husband, or even God. It is hard to close a door that I worked so hard to fabricate.

I love flying. It has long been the dream. But I am so disenchanted with the industry surrounding flying, I cannot see straight. I am angry because I feel like it didn't have to go this way, but I am hopeful that leaving will make space for me to come back in a healthier way. But maybe it won't come back at all. I did shut that door. Of course, the nature of doors is to open and shut, to provide passage, to keep some of us out.

I cannot worry about which of those will happen to me. I am not fully in control of that. I will always love flying though. Once the love of flying bits you, it stays in your blood.