blindness

Tonight, I watched a movie called Volviendo and I listened to a woman share about her life before, during, and after being trafficked. She now works to help other survivors reclaim their humanity, their self-worth, and especially their health. I had this question burnt into me as I watched and listened: how do you stare into the darkness for so long and still see?

Me? I am torn. I do not want to look away and neglect the darkness. But I am small. If I stare at it too long, I am sure it will creep inside of me, take up residence, flood me, spill out, and not even notice me struggling to breathe. The darkness is...dark. And I? I do not possess any light of my own. Most days, I forget about the light I have been given and I trade it. I let go of the joy of the Lord for busyness. I let go of my self-dignity for productivity and survival and getting to wherever someone else told me I should be going.

I am fragile. And the world is heavy and sharp and full of broken things that want to make me like them. It is hard to even figure out where to stand much less how to stick both of my hands into those dark places and keep trying to pull them that would come out. The dark is full and everywhere and deep.

I know God is big. I know He uses small things, weak things. But I am certain that I will break if tried.

But I cannot look away. I want to some days. I want to move to suburbia and construct a beautiful life that is so safe and so far away from all of these things. I want to reduce injustice to stories and brokenness to the part just before the fairy tale gets good. But I cannot. I love true things, even when they are ugly. Ugly truth is still more trustworthy than the most beautiful of lies. And healing, healing makes the broken places worthwhile. I have never met someone who has been down that very, very long road who has been disappointed with the result.

But I am so unqualified to help the people around me to find healing. I have tried in good ways and bad. And both of failed much more often than they have succeeded to any degree. Of this I am certain, I am no good at healing. I am afraid that I am very bad at loving people, especially the closer they are to me. I have some very good intentions sometimes, but I am a clumsy healer in the least poetic sense. But this is not really about me. This is about that overwhelming darkness and how much respect I have for people who have the strength to stare into it without going blind.

I met a woman a few days ago. She asked for a cigarette and money to feed her children. My boyfriend gave her $5 and I asked her name. Charlotte. Whatever her life had brought her, it wasn't what she dreamed of when she was 6 years old. Whether she told us the truth or not is not really important. I see her and so many other people walking about under a weight that has left them feeling less than human. And I want to teach them their worth. I want to heal them. But I cannot. The darkness is there. And I do not yet know how to penetrate it. I can only peek into it for now and hope to learn something which may yet equip me to be one who stares into it making the most of every opportunity and never goes blind. I want to see what is there as it truly is, but I do not yet know how.

just once

Let me explain this just once.
I say just once because...
it is hard.
They are hard words to organize,
to make obedient enough
to march out as I would like them to
to bridge the gap between me and...
anyone else.
They are hard words for my audience,
my dear 'anyone else'
to accept, take in, and give shelter to.
And it is so hard for me to send them out
and receive them back
because they were not given room abroad.

So let me explain this just once.

It has become common knowledge that certain clothing brands, food makers, and corporate companies support, use, and abuse modern day slaves. Most people accept this with distant sarcasm with poorly played jokes about sweatshops and children making your shoes in a 3rd world country. And people laugh as if it is funny. But mostly because they believe there is nothing to be done and laughter is the last defense.

And I? I live with a modern day abolitionist. There are resources (like this one) for those who want to ask questions and make little changes to their lives here and there. But it costs to make changes. More often than not, the cheapest option is the option most tied to slavery. (However, the most expensive option doesn't guarantee that you wont support slavery either.) Truth is, it is going to be more expensive to care. While the people around me understand why I care and why I make the shopping decisions that I do, I know that it puzzles people.

Which is to say, I have a very, very tight budget. But I have my freedom. And I happen to believe that God personally looks over my budget. I always have enough. Enough, though, in a sense that would make a lot of people very uncomfortable because it is enough without the comfortable abundance most people imagine. It has been something I have had to think over... is my comfort and my insecurity over my tight budget... worth the continuation of slavery? Not that I take personal responsibility for it as a whole, but my attitude towards it contributes to my culture's attitude and so on. So here it is: it simply is not cost effective to discontinue slavery. That's what it really comes down to. That's what people were worried about pre-civil war in the U.S. and it's what a lot of people continue to say.

While no one will criticize me openly and thus appear to support slavery, I can feel people meeting my budget and my decisions thereafter with confusion. This is not a cost-effective method of buying groceries. And that would matter. It would matter greatly if buying groceries was really my goal. It would matter greatly if I believed that my personal survival was more important than another's. I challenge you to read Philippians 2 (especially verses 3 and 4), to think it over and to let it change you with way Scripture should, and then to build your life.


And yes, most of those who I would love to understand will never read this post, but it makes me feel better.

musing

Oh my goodness. These are both excellent. I like the second better... but I am incredibly biased due to my love of heights. 

A most excellent quotation:
"Improvisation is empowering because it welcomes the unknown. And since what's impossible is always unknown, it allows me to believe I can cheat the impossible.” (Philippe Petit)

Also: "The opposite of poverty is not wealth. … In too many places, the opposite of poverty is justice.” (Bryan Stevenson)


I know it's a lot to take the time to watch. Trust me, though, they are good thoughts. All very different, but all very much good thoughts.