jumble

I find in myself the shards of other people who have long since left. To my friend Rachel belongs Psalm 1. Hilary has left many shards, but today it is "wade in the water" that I am aware of. Nicole somehow has The Shining, though I have never seen the whole movie. To many other friends books and music and ideas belong. It is funny how these pieces remain long after the people have left, changed, and indeed become different people. It is both happy and sad. And I think it is ok for it to be both of those things. I am not afraid of sad things anymore.

I used to think that sadness was a thing that, if paid attention and fed too often, would grow and consume me. There are days where I still think that may be true, but I am not afraid today. I think it's because of the sunshine today. Sunshine makes me a better person. Seriously. It also helps that I made it through a crazy week. These days I feel a little like a bobber on a fishing line. Under water for the beginning of the week, above water by Friday. Today is a sunny Friday. That is now the definition of rest. It gives good perspective.

mr. sun, sun mr. golden sun...

I wanted to start this post announcing my first and deepest love for the sun and sunshine and summer and warmth. And then I realized there are many things that were first loves and very deep loves. Stars (And yes the sun is a star but the sun keeps me warm. It's a very different sort of relationship than the nocturnal stars.) And sunshine. Being barefoot. Chocolate chip cookies...or really, cookies. Pie. Fruit. Family. Friends. Rivers. Lakes. Mountains. Clouds. Wind. All the pieces of all the homes I have ever loved.

Apparently, I am a woman who has loved a lot more than I first thought. This a great comfort to me as today... today feels empty. This is because the sky is the color of concrete and it is driving me mad. It is too high up, too intangible, too unstable for me to reach up and paint it. I have to wait for it to change its mind. But I feel like it gets stuck sometimes. Like the sky itself could have seasonal affective disorder and needs a good dose of Vitamin D and the like. And when the sky gets stuck, I get stuck. I want to go to sleep until the Sun feels like waking up. When he comes to wake me up in person THEN I will get up.

YA! Take that.

Because, we are totally on a first name basis, the Sun and I. He's on the speed dial [that I've never set up] and we hang out when he's not too busy with you know, galactic star stuff.



Even I'm rolling my eyes at myself now. I can only swallow so much B.S.

But seriously, when the sky is blank and empty like concrete, I begin plotting. I begin dreaming. I begin hoping for a real dawn.

The view from my high school back in the day.