I wake up because my mind clears and starts turning gears.
As of yet, I have not found the cause. All I know is that the thoughts in my
head start tumbling until I am aware and awake and there is nothing I can do
about it. I know people who can go back to sleep on command. They can never
wake if they choose. I wonder what that is like. I wonder if it is worth
envying.
When I first wake, it is hard to hear my own voice with clarity. More than that, it is hard to hear what I would say or think today. The first
few hours of each day always start with the unfinished, unpolished thoughts of
yesterday. Things I heard, conversations in which I failed to accurately
represent myself, and problems that I have yet to solve. There is no difficulty
in remembering for me.
As the day continues, I slowly or quickly fill my mind’s
arms with new thoughts and observations. This is the only thing that I have
found to get rid of yesterday. If my mind can grab enough of today, it will
have to drop yesterday little by little. I would not say that I forget just
because I drop a thought though. It often happens but it often does not as
well.
So I sit here with my sore throat tea, with the cool air
creeping in the open window trying to escape the ever strengthening sun
outside, with a pile of old thoughts. I am desperate to start this day, as they
say, new. I want to hear my own voice sound in the present, ready and alert,
arms empty. But my purpose lies in yesterday. Today does not yet have a
purpose. I am trying to knit one, trying to build one, trying to write one. I
struggle to grasp today’s helm with both hands, trip and fall straight into
tomorrow. So very often do I find myself trying to pilot a ghost ship that I
cannot control. I know nothing about tomorrow, but I throw the sum of all of my
yesterdays at it hoping to create some meaning.
Somehow I have managed to wake up in the past and go to
sleep in the future with only the barest of the middle hours dedicated to the
day I am actually living.
