Getting married taught me gratitude in a deep way. Everyone told me the rules and expectations of writing Thank Yous at the end. But the way they told me about it made me think that I would not enjoy it. I have been surprised to find how much having a wedding taught me about expressing gratitude. I found that I enjoyed writing the cards. I found that I wished it was always socially acceptable to express thanks. I felt so overwhelmed by the help we received in trying to accomplish a wedding that I could not possibly say, "Thank you" enough. I wanted to write cards to people just for attending. I didn't though. I could not afford that many cards.
Since September, I have found myself often returning to that feeling of gratitude. See the people that I am most appreciative of do not even seem to be aware of *how much* they lightened my load. There were a half dozen or so people who played small roles who strutted about with significance and over-graciously accepted my thanks. I do not still feel indebted with love to them. There are at least a dozen or more people who gave, who met needs, and who love me so well; but I do not think they were as aware of the giving as I was of the receiving.
At bottom, I learned how to attend at wedding by having a wedding. I learned that I had been neutral at best and very near a burden at worst with a few admirable suggestions. At top, I watched people love me so well. And I learned how to say thank you in dozens of different ways.

I woke up this morning...to a call from a Romanian woman who meant business. She is the wife of the officiant for our wedding, a lovely and fierce woman. There was no way I was going to let her know that her unexpected call woke me up on Saturday sometime after 8am but before 9am. When we were finished talking, I was hit with one of those tidal waves of "this is really happening" that has happened in both positives and negatives as excitement fades into nausea and back again. I found myself on the crest of a collosal wave of nausea feeling totally unprepared to do this.

Not the commitment part. I have long since made my mind up about that. I feel totally unprepared to execute a wedding. I easily forget why I should spend that much money or care. People tell me it's a day all about me and my head spins. If it was a day all about me, we could spend the money on flight school or a car or a place to live. I look at where all the money goes and it is all for these people who have been spread out across the time and space of my life. It is food and decorations and atmosphere. It is plane tickets and thank you gifts. My wedding dress was $150. I won't bore you with the cost of everything else, but pretty much everything including the silverware costs more. ...I digress.

Somedays I get angsty because I feel like it is all pretense and competition...as if my wedding is a performance that I must choreograph and costume and then maybe my marriage will get a standing ovation. Other days, it feels like a test. If I can put together a beautiful enough wedding without being mean or stressing anyone out while being considerate of everyone's input, wants, needs, and insecurities inside a certain budget, then I am adult enough. The problem is that I am neither a performer nor a test taker. And I do not want to be.

People keep telling me that the wedding is all about what I want. I hardly believe this as I wanted to elope. But the truth is, I am glad that I did not elope. Or, at least, I am beginning to suspect that I will be glad not to elope. Why? Because I want to celebrate with anyone who is willing to celebrate. I found a friend who is not going to leave me...even if I deserve it which feels like a miracle in and of itself. That miracle is only doubled upon realizing that I am also going to be his friend who does not leave. The only family that we get to choose. And I want people to be there. I want them to remind me of how excited I was on my wedding day. I want them to feel invited to remind me when I need that reminder. There is more than a small amount of hope being planted in these plans. Besides, we have so few reasons to celebrate while we pass through this world under a curse.