I don't know what is happening with my life. If anyone still reads this, they already know this. I have not said much of anything else for...at least two years. I keep saying it because I keep discovering it. Like a clock you forget does not tell time anymore.

I stopped taking naps after I go fired. I did not really notice at first. I did not know why. As I began to notice, the reasons came falteringly forward starting with "they just aren't restful" and becoming "I cannot get my brain to turn off". What I mean to say is, either as I fall asleep or as I wake up I find myself entranced, back in time, back at HAI. Somehow my psyche has staked off this time as THE TIME to take the stand that I already missed. And I am defending myself again and again and again. I am saying all of the things that I thought of too late, that I was not brave enough to say, that I thought were too emotional.

Sometimes I think God has left me here to wrestle down my will. Sometimes I think he is waiting until I summon my will. But I have done both. Often in the same day, the same hour with so much zeal and fervor that I venture on fanaticism. I am tired and cynical now. I do not tell God what he is doing anymore. I do not guess. I do not discern. And I do not wait for the prophets anymore. They do not know anymore than I do, it turns out. God is not talking to others about me behind my back. That is somehow both a relief and a defeat. Defeated is a good word for today. Also for this week and these last two years.

And the defeated do not nap. Napping is too much a gateway to unreality and in this unreality I keep trying not to lose. Sometimes I get close. I think that maybe I have found the one path that would have converted or convinced my enemies. When the gateway closes and only reality remains, I find that I have lost all over again. I defeat myself. And I am tired of defeating myself, as if there are not enemies willing enough to do that for me. I am so tired, in fact, that I cannot rest.

Some days are slow going. Like this one. It's chilly so the blood flows slow and thick until you get moving, get your heart pumping. But so much of life does not actually get your pulse up.

So some of us drink coffee. Others drink tea. Some go for a run. Others sit and wait.

I like sitting and waiting, if I have the time. The day, however, is sneaking up on me. The morning is slipping away. The time is coming when I will simply have to rouse myself. There will be no inspiration. Just a lot of will.

But I am cold. That does a number on my will.

Truth is... I do not want to feel today. That takes energy I do not yet think I will receive today. I want to sleep until it is over. If I cannot do that, I want to get through my day as fast as possible and get as much done along the way. I do not want people to ask me how I am because I am afraid I will be honest. And I cannot buoy their inquiries today.

I want some chicken soup and some rest. I want to write my paper before my ideas grow stale. And then I want to lose this day to the thousands I have already left in the past.

Maybe that is grumpiness speaking. Or maybe just honesty. For now, I will suffice it to repeat over and over until I believe these words, "my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Already I begin to forget and so I begin again "grace is sufficient...grace is... grace..." That's going to be a tough one to remember, but it fits the theme. I don't suppose it should be easy. Today, that is what gets my heart pumping. Just trying to hang on to Truth until I see it.