"Is it really that hard to explain to potential jobs that you were fired due to sexism? Because that makes me mad."

A friend of mine asked me this. Now, I don't think I was fired because of sexism. I was fired for 1,000 reasons and most of them don't have names. But this is what I want to say to her and about sexism today.

Sexism doesn't exist in aviation. It's like the most embarrassing version of the tooth fairy. Sure, some people believe in sexism. We call them the "F" word (because you don't use the word "feminist" in aviation anymore than sexism) and then we put them in the fanatical camp. In that camp, people also believe in the Illumnati, that WWII never happened, and that the lunar landing was a hoax. They probably hunt Big Foot on the weekend. In fact, if you are tempted in an interview for aviation to use the "S" word or the "F" word, you should probably just tell them that you hunt Big Foot on the weekend. At least then, you stand the chance of laughing after the awkward pause.

All metaphor aside. If you talk about sexism, people become afraid of you like you have a disease. Like feminists cause sexism. And in aviation, women are the most protected minority. Everyone else has to suck it up and try to be a white male. Except that they can't. Because skin and biology. So everyone else has to laugh when people make fun of them. (There are precious few women who are not white.)  They will make Mexican jokes, Armenian jokes, Russian jokes, nothing is off limits. If it hurts, then you are not a man. And that has crossed cultures somehow so everyone pretends to agree.  There are no public women jokes. And you are supposed to say "thank you" for that "luxury". They will find every other way of saying "woman" though. You will find words like "emotional", "logical", "innocent", "sensitive", "independent", "angry", "strong", "ambitious", "focused" and a host of others drip out of their mouths like graffiti tags. They are trying to talk of feminine and masculine characteristics. You can tell which are which because the masculine ones all are synonyms for "capable of doing this job" while the feminine ones all somehow rhyme with "almost" or "not a bad second choice".

Most men in aviation do not see their privilege and they don't even think about it. When someone comes in and drops the "S Bomb", they feel self-conscious because they feel an awful lot like they have a ton in common with that other guy who is apparently sexist. Then they get defensive. Sexism cannot exist because they do not feel active hate for women. They do not realize that defining a successful employee by descriptions only men have is sexist (and detrimental to men who don't fit those descriptions while still being valuable employees). They do not count themselves as antagonistic toward women, in fact, they themselves take more flack than any woman does! Therefore, sexism does not exist.

I simply cannot go into an interview and say, "I was fired because of sexism." All at once I would have committed every faux pax. I will have admitted a weakness, I will have drawn attention to how un-male I am, I will have shown that I believe in the tooth fairy, and I will have accused my prospective employer of siding with my enemy causing them to defend him without even knowing the man or the situation. And definitely without knowing me and if I am trustworthy...or if I am just an overemotional...person...who is over-reacting rather than analyzing the situation.

I have spent most of the morning stressing (more like agonizing) about what to wear. There are only a few things that could possibly cause this state of mind and only one of those things which can enforce it with the gravity that I feel and the panic that I am tempted to give into. I have a job interview today. At Columbia Helicopters. I made it through their phone interview talking for nearly 20 minutes about why I got fired, what one thing I would change if I could, what I think I could have done better etc. It was intense, but I made it. And I did it without airing all of HAI’s dirty laundry and taking jabs at their ethics, their management decisions, or the quality of the working environment (despite my interviewer baiting me in that direction). I have a good feeling about this company and this coming interview.

BUT…what do I wear!? Being a woman in an industry interview turns all the rules that I was taught about interview dress code on their head. I have worn jeans and a nice shirt and felt incredibly over-dressed simply because my shirt was “too feminine” and feminine equals fancy. And fancy equals superfluous. And superfluous means not necessary, not hard working, not “mechanic” and so on. At HAI, I strived to hide my femininity because it was always getting in the way of people believing that I could do the job. If you want to be seen as competent, it is so much easier if everyone just forgets that you’re a woman and accepts you as one of the guys. The way you dress is the easiest way to sabotage your competency before you do anything.

Eventually, sometime after I realized that they were going to fire me if I did not quit but before HAI actually pulled the trigger (that’s some 5 months of a gap), I stopped caring. I realized that I was never going to be who they wanted me to be. I was never going to be masculine enough. My body is part of my identity that I can either hack away at or accept; but it cannot be quietly changed or molded to meet arbitrary expectations. It is decidedly feminine. With or without my permission. And even though I gave up on meeting their expectations, I resented myself for not being able to do better. Not being able to change who I was felt like a failure. (I realize now that it was grace disguised and extended to my future self.) I did not take that failure gracefully. Of all of the half truths and blatant lies that I internalized while there, this one has been the hardest to get a handle on and look in the eye.

The truth is: if what I wear to my interview is professional and modest but too unmasculine, too much an indicator that I will never be one of the boys, too burgundy, too brightly colored…then I don’t want the job. I used to. I used to want the acceptance of success bad enough. But I have tried that road and it costs too much. I was one step away from not recognizing who I was when I looked in the mirror. I am done with that now. I am going to let my masculine and feminine traits fall where they may naturally and focus all of my attention on learning the trade. If that is not enough for a company then I do not agree with their definition of success and I will be ok with failing.