I have spent most of the morning stressing (more like agonizing) about what to wear. There are only a few things that could possibly cause this state of mind and only one of those things which can enforce it with the gravity that I feel and the panic that I am tempted to give into. I have a job interview today. At Columbia Helicopters. I made it through their phone interview talking for nearly 20 minutes about why I got fired, what one thing I would change if I could, what I think I could have done better etc. It was intense, but I made it. And I did it without airing all of HAI’s dirty laundry and taking jabs at their ethics, their management decisions, or the quality of the working environment (despite my interviewer baiting me in that direction). I have a good feeling about this company and this coming interview.

BUT…what do I wear!? Being a woman in an industry interview turns all the rules that I was taught about interview dress code on their head. I have worn jeans and a nice shirt and felt incredibly over-dressed simply because my shirt was “too feminine” and feminine equals fancy. And fancy equals superfluous. And superfluous means not necessary, not hard working, not “mechanic” and so on. At HAI, I strived to hide my femininity because it was always getting in the way of people believing that I could do the job. If you want to be seen as competent, it is so much easier if everyone just forgets that you’re a woman and accepts you as one of the guys. The way you dress is the easiest way to sabotage your competency before you do anything.

Eventually, sometime after I realized that they were going to fire me if I did not quit but before HAI actually pulled the trigger (that’s some 5 months of a gap), I stopped caring. I realized that I was never going to be who they wanted me to be. I was never going to be masculine enough. My body is part of my identity that I can either hack away at or accept; but it cannot be quietly changed or molded to meet arbitrary expectations. It is decidedly feminine. With or without my permission. And even though I gave up on meeting their expectations, I resented myself for not being able to do better. Not being able to change who I was felt like a failure. (I realize now that it was grace disguised and extended to my future self.) I did not take that failure gracefully. Of all of the half truths and blatant lies that I internalized while there, this one has been the hardest to get a handle on and look in the eye.

The truth is: if what I wear to my interview is professional and modest but too unmasculine, too much an indicator that I will never be one of the boys, too burgundy, too brightly colored…then I don’t want the job. I used to. I used to want the acceptance of success bad enough. But I have tried that road and it costs too much. I was one step away from not recognizing who I was when I looked in the mirror. I am done with that now. I am going to let my masculine and feminine traits fall where they may naturally and focus all of my attention on learning the trade. If that is not enough for a company then I do not agree with their definition of success and I will be ok with failing. 

The Waiting Room at the Base of Mount Sinai

A couple of days ago, Tyler and I were talking and we reached the conclusion that everyone over-spiritualizes something. You can over-spiritualize anything from purity and following the rules to freedom and open-mindedness. And sure, God is in those things. But God is not nearly as invested in those as most adherents are.

I have been turning that conversation with Tyler over and over in the back of my mind, carrying it with me until I knew what I was looking for. Today, I stumbled on it.

I over-spiritualize learning. It is how I define success in my personal life and success in my religion. Am I still learning? Because learning equals growing and growing equals not dying (or giving up) and not dying equals success. Am I right? That and, at bottom, God doesn't demand that we are perfect in a day so as long as we are moving towards that goal, we are "walking with him" and that is salvation and the very point of Christian existence. Right? I mean, how else do we interpret verses like "continue to work out your salvation" or James's piece about faith being evident by deeds?

Besides, I love learning. I really do. And I think God does too. But maybe he doesn't need me to always be learning the way I need me to always be learning.

Learning for me has become the biggest reassurance that I am on the right track. God is teaching me, therefore where I am is good. As if, God is not also the one who teaches me when I really blow it. As if I am not learning just as much when I am behaving my worst as when I am truly doing my best. See, in reality, learning just means that I am still paying attention to my actions, their consequences, and any other details I observe. But accomplishing observation hardly tells me about the quality of my life and my choices.

Granted, this has been a hard year for measuring success any other way. Moreover, I literally have no idea what success means anymore. Or if I care. Am I successful? feels like the most irrelevant of queries. As if you asked me if I was a bird. Who the hell cares if I am a bird/successful? What matters is that I am trying, I am changing, I am learning. Or so I thought and I mostly still believe.

Except, I have been trapped in this desert for so long now and there is only so much that the wind and the sand can teach you. I do not think I am learning anymore. I do not think God is speaking to me any new truth or even any old truth that I have forgotten.

Throughout high school and most of college, I have loved who I thought I was becoming. I knew it was a gift to be able to accept myself as I became myself. Sure, I really struggled to extend myself grace, but it was largely because I so wanted to be my future self already. All the same, I was excited for where I was going and who I thought I would be.

I am not excited anymore. Why? Because I cannot pretend, imagine, or predict what is coming. I know this may seem quite silly to you. But I am a creature whose main form of survival is adaptation. On a level very near my DNA, I think I can learn fast enough and rearrange myself quick enough to be whoever I need to be on a given day.

Sure, all of you with Bible degrees, more life experience, or just a good dose of realism see the fault in my armor, the Achilles' heal, the base I haven't covered. And I do too. But carrying that burden of learning justifies ever season of life I find myself in. It makes me just the right amount of busy to really feel successful. And, there are so few negative side affects to being passionately over-committed to learning.

That is, until you get stuck. My life literally hasn't changed in 6 months. When I said, I was a creature who adapted for survival, I meant that I adapted as most humans breathe. Not changing feels like suffocation. Sure, I have gotten engaged, had job interviews, traveled etc. etc. etc. But my view of next week always looks the same. It always looks back at me with more questions than I can ask of it. Sure, I fill my time. But I am not convinced that I am going anywhere. Like God got busy and put me on hold and now I just live in the waiting room at the base of Mount Sinai.

Of course this is all horrible theology. But this is what the best of my senses perceive. I am not learning any new big thing about the world or God or myself. I am just here. And God is here. But He only says that He loves me and then moves on to the next person. And I know that if I was a good Christian, it would be enough to be loved by the God the universe. But I want so badly to have a purpose. And that blasted Westminster Catechism just plays in the background "man's purpose is to obey God and enjoy him forever." As if that tells me what to do tomorrow, or next week, or at all.

Though it is the most hypocritical of paradoxes, I am learning how to not always be learning. I am learning not to over-spiritualize or over-emphasize learning. It is one my less graceful lessons. But I challenge you, what do you over-spiritualize? It is not an easy mirror to look into.