I am looking for something.

I wish to the heavens

That I knew what it was.

I search and reach down deep.

My hands come up empty

And my eyes a little bit hollow.

I am but shadows

Echos

And dust.

Night comes a little closer

And brings with it

Stars.

So many stars.

They fill me up

And make me warm.

But I go on

Smiling

Like the fool I am.

I have been told enough

To know

Not to play with fire.

But I think myself

Invincible or immune,

Like the moon.

I have always admired

How she burns

With that cold and distant fire.

But she and I

Are miles of worlds

Apart:

Rock.

Galactic.

And ancient.

Flesh.

Earthbound.

And so incredibly mortal.

But I keep hoping,

Keep searching,

Keep this heart beating

Perhaps, for eternity.

the world as it should be

There is a world that is and one that should be, and they are not the same.

And I think that one sentence explains so many of the problems that make and mar our lives. The more I walk through this particular year, the more I realize life really, really, really is not about me. I've been told this all my life and believed it in varying levels, but this last year I am gaining yet another perspective there against the back drop of a world that should not be.

Life is so much not about me, that it is not even about me trying to pay my rent, buy groceries, feed my car, get to class on time, pray, be healthy, be a responsible citizen. Those are just things I do and they aren't really life. That and, when I let him, God more than takes care of those. They aren't worth the stress they cause. Ever. And every time I find myself giving my time to worrying about them, I am missing the point.

But it's hard. I do not always know what the real point is, even when I can define what it is not. I know that I am not alone in that. Is it about alleviating pain for others? Is it about giving? What does that have to do with the world as it should be? Where did we even get that idea? What matters?

It is near impossible to answer any of those questions without a fixed and firm foundation. Today, I am reduced to saying that the answer really is Love. If I fail to love the people God puts near me, I fail supremely. And I think that trumps personal risks and nagging worries. I am so tired of being afraid. I am so tired of doing nothing. I am so tired of living like I can keep myself safe if I try.

I cannot.

People you trust have untrustworthy moments, and it is not your fault for trusting them. Sickness and unhealth may take you regardless of any caution. There will always be reasons to stay locked up. Safe. Secure. Invulnerable. But as a member of the human race, you have to admit that you live in perpetual weakness wrapped in the illusion of strength and control that you are allowed to keep because of the goodness of God as he never gives us more than we can handle.

One day at a time. Practiced vulnerability. Indiscriminate but wise love. I think this is where I'm headed. I think I'm getting closer to what it means to be human.

full sails and painted toe nails.

There is something cathartic about leaving.

Not running or hiding.

Just the act of leaving. I think it's about freedom and the ability to move forward regardless of where 'forward' is. Especially in good company, but even with no company. Often, it gives physical form to what I feel I am doing in a more holistic sense.

So I've painted my toe nails for the wedding I'm going to. The wedding came at a perfect time for changing the color. It's silly and totally ridiculous, but it always makes me feel like I'm moving into a new season when the color on my toes gets changed. Possibly to the point that, when I am really ready to move on and out of a particularly burdensome or old season... I go home, shower, and paint my toes.

Here I am. Moving from gold to white. Whatever that means, I think it is best to decide after I am there. Too often we focus so much on the leaving that we do not take time to prepare for the act of coming that must follow. And for a blessed change, I am peaceably excited for whatever that is.

For now: road trip!

The wind crawls up... then rushes.

Faster. Faster.

Ever faster.

And I am cold past my core to pieces of me that are not yet, only will be.

And For once... I do not mind.

Because it fits my heart so well,

so close so as almost to bring me near that impossible warmth.

I am happy just to be here.

All of me.

In rare agreement.

A harmony

that soothes in ways that

I will forget too soon.

And now it rushes over and through me

Until I resonate.

Holy. Holy.

Seconds drain too quickly through minutes, straight into hours and back into a single long sentence. One which you do not seem inclined to finish anytime soon. If you want to tell me that you love me, do so now in a hundred lovely actions.

Or just one.

Too much has been said too late...and so much of it behind closed doors. So let us give over speaking, you and I, to those who can afford such overpriced lies. And let us write a new language.

Or not.

Let us go on fighting, but not each other. Not one blow more. You did not know it would end in pieces, but you should have. Every hit hits home and we all live here. And with each small victory, our foundations suffer. We wake and walk each day with lacerations and limps we cannot explain. Truth is a knife edge.

Yours and mine.

There is nothing that cannot be cut; but it never runs you through. We can hold onto our shards or we can build. Neither of us have enough Truth to stand on, just enough to draw blood; but that's ok. We would rather have our altars fallen anyway.

But still...

Sometimes it is just fine to go looking for a fight. "Know your enemy," they say. They understand nothing of Calvary love. And I doubt either of us know much more; or else, we might know our enemy and know where to draw battle lines. And where to look for our fight.