Plums and things

Can I tell you a secret?
Even if I haven't decided what that secret is yet?

We all have secrets and I tend to carry around more from other people than I ever do my own. In fact, mine tend to be rather silly things and I like it that way even if it can be a little embarrassing. So here it is:

I as a social introvert have forgotten how to be by myself. Somehow in the struggling to stay in community while learning how to date while trying to get all of my homework done while no one is around...I just forgot. I leap past solitude to sheer loneliness even though I have a thousand enjoyable activities that I would prefer to do alone. I go looking for companions and either lay aside what I wanted to do or else find frustration in the fact that no one is available.

This puzzles me.

I have never been the kind of introvert who would do well living in the woods alone in a cabin for months on end, though there was once a romanticized version of myself that could have. I have always enjoyed the company of just a few very close friends above either groups or solitude, but I have also always known that I needed it all. I do not know when I began leaving solitude out....real solitude. Not read Grudem in the bath  before class solitude. Not 30 minutes to quickly process my life before I leave or someone comes or whatever else. Not cleaning your room solitude (though it may include that).

So I went on an adventure to teach myself, to reacquaint myself with my own company. And I took these photos sometime between 4:30am and 7:30am:

I found some plums.

I took a 1990's style self portrait. It's blurry because it's artistic to be out of focus...or at least it was in the 90's.

 

I traipsed through vineyards and farms. I got my car good and muddy. I watched the sun rise even though it was over cast and all you could see was the heat behind the clouds trying to burn a hole through the blankets to let the light in. It was beautiful in its own way. 

...and then I went back to bed. 

 

Some days...
I sabotage the silence. And some days it besieges me. I have not decided which is better or good or even winning.

Other days I look at the silence and say, "Here is some purple. This purple is the loudest purple I can find. Isn't it beautiful? Let's make clouds out of it."