I realize too late that I have become a gaping hole. A yawning yearning that opens and opens but never closes, full.

I realize so very late that I am trying to love myself vicariously through you. A vacuous invasion that asks and asks but never responds, answered.

I realize this. It is late in the day, late in the year, late in life. But perhaps it is not too, too late. 

Too late for it not to hurt, yes. But not too late to do something different. 

When the wise people said, "love yourself", I was angry at the simplicity. I thought that they did not understand how hard it would be to choose myself when no one else was choosing me. I had the infinite depths of want and desperation and need staring, unblinking from my consciousness. 

I realize, a little late, that the wise people give simple sounding advice when there is no other way. A loving labor that strains and strains but never tires, ended. 

I realize now that the little love I gave myself was too meager a ration. A gnawing knowing that nothing and no one could fill or feed, complete.

I am unskilled at this new effort of loving myself. A strenuous mountain moving of practice and practice and practice, again.

"Deserve" is not a word that I use. Not about me. Not about anyone else. And I guess there are a lot of reasons for that. But at the top of the list is that 1. it makes me uncomfortable and 2. I don't see the point. What is the point of thinking about what people deserve? Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to malicious people all of the time. No one gets what they deserve. Injustice has been a life long companion of humanity.

And if you were to try to pin me with a direct question about what I deserve, I would squirm and evade. Because I am not special. I've done good things and been given bad results. I've also been rewarded for my selfishness and cowardice. It seldom adds up. 

If I were to advise someone else, I'd say that there is still value in asking people to treat you the way you deserve, with dignity and respect. But ask me point blank how I deserve to be treated and my mind goes blank like new fallen snow or a dreary overcast sky. 

I deserve what all humans deserve. We deserve softness and rest. We deserve justice and health. We deserve the full range of human emotions from anger to joy and back again. We deserve happiness deep as glacial lakes.We deserve comfort for our suffering and grief. We deserve love like spring rains. We deserve to be. We deserve to be alive.