I know that I am depressed when my therapist looks at me like my happiness is a question I’m supposed to answer. She keeps on looking. The silence grows thin and transparent. It’s hard to explain. But I say something that I immediately forget and she looks at me. She looks at me and I feel how blank my mind is, how badly I want her to say something that makes me happy. I only expect my therapist to make me happy when I’m depressed and out of ideas. It’s then that the emptiness settles in my gut like a hunger long overdue and long ignored. It's then that I realize how ridiculous it is to think other people can feed me when I can't feed myself.

I’ve accepted what I believe is Seasonal Affective Disorder in pieces over the last decade. I used to just think February was cursed. I guess SAD is an improvement to a supernatural indictment. Technically. But it doesn’t really feel any different. It does, however, explain why no one else thought that February was cursed despite copious amounts of annual evidence. It’s just my brain tripping at the start of the race.

At the point in the year when everyone I know is starting exercise plans, cleaning sprees, and other New Year’s resolutions, I’m just beginning to wonder why I feel different, less relaxed, tight...exhausted and empty. By the time February arrives, I’m wondering if I’m ever going to feel like myself again, whoever I was. If that person was even real. 

This year is probably the most vivid that the descent to February has ever been. While I'm certain that the pandemic doesn't help, I wonder if things are getting worse or if I just know myself in excruciatingly small detail now. I feel the days when I skip my vitamin D like a loss of gravity. My skin is so thin these days that I avoid people for fear that they'll hurt me on accident and I won't be able to explain or make it make sense. If I could sleep through the next 5 weeks, I would. I know that it's just a waiting game for the sun to come back and I'm taking a lot of comfort in the fact that I've been here many times before. Every time, March comes and a light switch that I didn't know I had is flipped on. But today, I wish I was different, someone else.

James 1:27

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

This verse has been on my mind for a few days now. I'm chewing on it as I do. So here are some thoughts.

Things that I would expect are "pure religion" from the various churches and spiritual trainings I've participated in: 

• Praying - a lot. Multiple hours a week (not while multi tasking). 
• Going to church - also a lot. Plus leading/serving/doing something extra while at church. 
• Reading your Bible. Frequently. Probably every day. At least weekly (not counting church). 
  
• Controlling your emotions. Not feeling too angry or depressed, focusing mostly on peace and joy. 
• Submission to authority. 
• Following the rules/keeping the commandments. 
  

Personal habits that you would think prevent me from participating in James's "pure religion":

• Swearing. 
  
• Finding 70% of church folks super annoying. 
• Not trusting anyone who speaks too often on the importance of trusting/following/obeying authority. 
• Being curious about anger. Also, having a lot of it and not knowing what to do with it. But knowing that, when I ignore my anger, depression usually takes over so "just letting it go" isn't a realistic option.
• Free Space. There's probably more. You probably know betting than me. 

And yet, pure and faultless religion is "looking after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I don't know very many people who have spent any time with orphans and widows. I can name a few. Mostly foster care parents, but most of us will only meet a few orphans and widows in person in our lifetime, especially with the way society is organized. It can be hard to find those in need because they aren't in our immediate circles. But I think James calls us to look for them, not passively but actively.

I do think that it's probably fair to look at this verse and note that orphans and widows were the most vulnerable people in James's day. They had the least agency and power and were very dependent upon their community to make sure that they survived. Even though we still have orphans and widows and they are still vulnerable, I think it's important to look at our own culture and include all of our vulnerable. 

James says "do it". Take care of the helpless, the powerless, the ones most vulnerable to exploitation. Even though you may end up giving and giving (possibly for years or decades) and they will not "earn" it or pay you back. For me, when I read this with that in mind, I think of immigrants, the homeless, and foster children. I think about the systems of racism and the opportunities that we have to organize and vote in new policies that will take care of the most vulnerable. I think of the Black Lives Matter protests and the hate crimes committed against Asians and Asian Americans during Covid19. I think of the trans people who have been murdered in my own city. I think of the immigrant detention center that was exposed for performing hysterectomies on women who did not need and did not want those surgeries. I think of the families separated by our immigrant policies. I think of this last year and I weep looking for a sign that the religion that James describes is out there. 

The other piece of Jame's pure and faultless religion is to keep yourself from being polluted by the world. And I will admit, I avoided thinking about this phrase. It makes me uncomfortable. (See the list of personal habits above.)  Because I love this world and all that it has to offer. I love the music and art. I love food and drinks. I love dancing. In the club. With the sinners. And I love this world so much that I don't even know how to feel guilty about it. (But I can feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Don't worry.) Again, if I was going to write a list of things that count as being polluted by the world it might have a lot of the things on my "personal habits" list. Plus something about sex, the 10 commandments, and probably more things about sex since Christians love talking about rules about sex. 

However, proper Biblical interpretation is not performed by reaching for pop culture, Christian truisms, or your personal guilt. As one of my professors used to say, "First, use the text to interpret the text." So I submit to you that rather than treating this verse as the last verse in chapter 1 of James, we treat it like the the heading with chapters 2-5 as the list of things that explain how to avoid being polluted by the world (and how to practice a faultless religion). As much as I love the book of James and could go on and on, I'll close with a list of topics (pollutants and ways of practicing perfect religion) actually covered in the book of James for us to meditate on. 

• Favoritism of the rich over the poor. (Apparently, showing favoritism is as good as breaking the whole law.)
  
• Faith and deeds (with the example of the uselessness of only saying that you hope those without food and clothes would find them). 
• Teachers will be judged more strictly.
• We should not praise God and curse men who have been made in God's image.
• Selfish ambition vs peacemaking. 
• Greed/jealousy/judging your neighbor.
• Rich people will be judged for exploiting their workers.
• Patience in suffering.
• Prayer of Faith/the importance of confessing your sins to one another.

There are a lot of things on this list that don't receive very much attention in church. I've still never heard a sermon about the importance of not exploiting your employees despite many church goers being business owners and managers. And I've heard precious little about our responsibility to take care of the vulnerable, to actively try to counter-act the world's tendency to show favoritism to the rich. When I hear James taught, too often people focus on the perseverance of chapter 1, land briefly on how we need to have deeds to go with our faith (but deeds means following the 10 commandments or something similar not taking care of your neighbors who are poor), a stop on how "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" and then a wrap on the importance of prayer. But there is so much more here. There is so much that the church in America needs if it is to escape the judgments that James also teaches.

Exodus 34:6

For years I have struggled with the verses that talk about the sins of the father being passed down 3 and 4 generations. As someone with a father with a lot of moral ambivalence, I did not look forward to learning what these verses meant. But these days I see the sins of our fathers everywhere. I see them in the U. S.  Capitol. I see them in the hypocrisy of this country as it responds very differently to Black Lives Matter and the Proud Boys. I feel the weight of being white in a country that tells me that I can benefit from being white if I just pretend I don't understand what I am seeing. I feel it like a millstone That my father's father's, father's father must have carved. 

I know that I'm not racist like the worst of them. The death of Black people make me queasy, sad, and angry. The way murder should make you feel. But, Lord, have I felt the pull towards apathy this past year as I realize how long this fight will last and how long it has already been going! Lord, I have felt the ways in which I benefit by a silence other people cannot afford. Lord, I have heard my siblings crying out and I grew weary of my own powerlessness, like they don't live in that reality from birth. But I am used to a certain amount of power and agency and the structures in this country are set up so that you can only have those when you align with white supremacy. White people who commit to equality are race traitors. And that is not glamorous. It is lonely and confusing. Black and brown people won't hold you up as someone special (because they shouldn't need to) when you betray whiteness and white people who still support whiteness will distance themselves from you even if it's only by intuition.

But this generational iniquity calls for repentance, calls for turning away, calls for a commitment to justice even it renders you powerless. This is the cup white Americans must drink from.