Today, I don't feel effective. Effective at what? Everything! ..but mostly at being myself and being human. How can I feel so ineffective at something that I can't help but do? Can I be anyone besides myself? Can I be anything be human?

And yet, I am so certain that no one has failed at being human as much as I am today sitting at my desk today. I know it isn't true, but the ache in my bones tells me differently.

When did they begin to ache? Who put it here? What is the cure?

"Everything Broke Apart so Easily" or "When your Friendship Crumbles like a Stale Cookie"

"I'll pray for you...not now. But later on." The words on social media made me laugh because I've been told that people are praying for me when I was quite certain that that's not I needed from them. Sometimes people pray over you broken bones and withhold the salve that would actually heal you. All of the ritualistic respect in the world goes gaunt when it stands next to honesty and vulnerability.

What I want to say is, don't pray for me now. Pray for me later. Afterwards. Fight for me. Fight with me. Battle to understand the ground on which I stand. Love me as your equal. Look at the best in me even if it's hiding and call it out. Let me do the same for you.

Save your hasty retreat prayers. They might make you feel relieved, protected, or righteous, but they don't do anything for me. See, I know what it is to be loved. Whatever it is that you are doing, isn't love. The best that I can assume is that you don't have enough love for both yourself and me. I hope that's the case. It's easier for me to believe that you can't love me rather than that you won't love me.