"Exhale."

I am on the other side of graduation. I said goodbye to my family a few hours ago and now it is just me in my apartment. I poured some bath water. I listened to the rain. All the lights are off and I can finally hear the pace of my own breathing.

It's hard to do just one thing sometimes.

And by sometimes I mean...most of the time. Even now. Bite of carrot. Bit of thought. Type, type, type.

I have been looking forward to this after-graduation-time for awhile. I have doubted its coming and yet it came. Now that it is here, I am aware of other things stirring. I expected change. Something else has my attention though.

I really want to settle into a life of my own that runs at a pace that I could keep for more than a season. I want to recharge and start some healthy habits that have long been waiting. I want to move slower than before. And so, with this change I keep trying to peek around the corner to see if this just may be a good space to transition into that life. If there will be time enough for the life I want or if I still have to work to get to that place. Is it time? Is it possible?

Here in the dark and the rain, I think I hear the rumble and rustle of new labors. I am a little bit saddened by this. It's not the life I'm trying to get to. And yet...

I don't really know.

Just, "and yet..."
Perhaps, it is 'yet I dream and I breathe and I wake up for all of the tomorrows that will hopefully take me closer to where I want to be' [hopefully].

It is hard to accept the evidence I feel. It's not what I want, but I know it to be true somewhere past all the places that my will penetrates. This is not the season I wanted, but this season will be good. I will struggle through it, but at least I will know that this is the way that life is supposed to feel [for a time].

I am quite uncertain about where I am now headed, but I am approaching something new at a rapid rate. Here's to hoping I can still make good on the promises I made myself in the last few months of surviving.