Just Like Jimmy

It is amazing to me how much admitting that I am angry heals the anger. I was always taught that anger should be outside of the Christian experience. Verses like "turn the other cheek" are often taught as if you should allow yourself to be smacked and then say, "Thank you" with so much smile that you actually feel grateful for the abuse. I find comfort in the fact that the Bible has other verses like "pray for your enemies" and "in your anger do not sin." They comfort me because it means that I did not necessarily do anything wrong if I have acquired some enemies in my life. I am only asked to treat my enemies well. I do not need to pretend that they are actually friends or even nice people.

Moreover, I have found it easier to pray for people after I admit that they have wronged me. Once that self-denial and keeping of pretense is gone, I can ask that they would learn to be better wholeheartedly. Likewise, once I admit that I am angry, I can focus on figuring out what to do with my anger.

I have read a lot of stories about failure followed by triumph. So many of them include ironic thank yous to those who hurt and rejected them because they used the hurt and rejection to dig down deep inside of themselves and find the will power to keep going until they succeeded. I am not that kind of person. Decidedly.

I can with Joseph in Genesis 50:19 echo forgiveness and even acceptance that what one person meant for evil, God often uses for good. I can thank God for acting on my behalf, for choosing to use even my enemies to bless me. But that is where that ends. I will not thank my enemy. I can, like Joseph, put the past behind us and choose to bless my enemy. But I will not appreciate the evil. Maybe this is an issue of maturity. If so, it is still where I find myself and I will not pretend otherwise. For now, I think it is enough that I could shake hands with my enemy, work for his or her benefit and blessing, and sleep well. I am not yet able to say of evil things that they were anything but evil. I say that simply and without malice or regret. Yes, it is even without the fire of the old anger.

And this is the same way that I expect to be judged. That no matter how God uses my ignorance, my selfish blundering, and my evil...it is still going to be called by its proper name. Sure, I can rest in the forgiveness of Jesus, but that does not protect from the vocabulary of what happened and why. Nor does it save me from certain natural consequences pertaining to one's identity. See, now I am a woman who has enemies. If I had chosen differently, I could have also been their enemy. I could have woken up with the motivation to harm them, to make their lives difficult, to inflict suffering. And maybe, I was their enemy. When I was kind to them, it was always in the most malicious way. Romans 12:20 was my theme verse when I stepped across the threshold of those doors, , "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Proverbs 25:22 says the same thing but adds, "and the Lord will reward you."  

There were some days where I walked into work and lasted maybe an hour before I started praying that this verse would be true. You know something though? It was. My enemies were tortured when I smiled and wished them well. It was weird. But Jimmy became my mascot. It was not really "winning" so much as refusing to play the game, refusing to justify my enemies hatred, and refusing to be as miserable as they intended. It gave me freedom from their seemingly all-encompassing power. And it made me appreciate the relevancy of the Bible in a whole new way.
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