Open and Shut

When one door shuts, another opens. Right? Kind of.

Last Thursday I was acutely aware of the feeling of wanting to "go through a new door" but needing to shut one first. I guess it's good housekeeping. But mostly, it felt final, nauseating, and a little scary.

Let me move beyond metaphor.

Since March I have been in contact with a company trying to figure out if they have a place for me. This is a career change. And it is not a fluid one. We are talking about the difference between wrenching on airplanes and selling fair trade food products. I originally applied for a warehouse position. We interviewed. I networked like mad, wore my orange pants, and in general tried to be as kind and as memorable as possible. That process was from March to May. They gave me the kindest "no" I have ever received and promised to call if there was another position. Everyone promises that when they don't want to feel the discomfort of denying you. The thing is, my interview questions were *hard*, personal, and to the point. These people do not do things the comfortable way. Some part of me actually expected them to contact me. That optimism held out for a week or so and then back to the problems at hand.

July comes and they call me to request that I put an application in for a sales position. My response? "What makes you think I'm qualified for sales?" I receive a rather thoughtful answer and submit my application that night. Two weeks and three interviews later, I have a job offer. A door opens. But I cannot walk through it with my airplanes in tow. And that terrifies me.

Do I want too many things out of life? Do I even know what I want? What on earth makes me think that I can do this? I have a vacuum of experience to offer where I usually have a cornucopia of skills and experiences from my long history of dabbling. Now, I have a two year contract in a job that I would have laughed at if it were any other company asking me to do it.

And so, last Thursday I gave my notice. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in pursuing a future and dreams and purpose. I was so very aware of the sound of my doorway to flying closing. No one ever told me that I would ever have to be the catalyst to my own doors closing. All of my skills are in finding the new options, in reacting to closed doors, and in identifying that they are indeed closed. But this one? I shut it. I can't blame my family, my boss, my husband, or even God. It is hard to close a door that I worked so hard to fabricate.

I love flying. It has long been the dream. But I am so disenchanted with the industry surrounding flying, I cannot see straight. I am angry because I feel like it didn't have to go this way, but I am hopeful that leaving will make space for me to come back in a healthier way. But maybe it won't come back at all. I did shut that door. Of course, the nature of doors is to open and shut, to provide passage, to keep some of us out.

I cannot worry about which of those will happen to me. I am not fully in control of that. I will always love flying though. Once the love of flying bits you, it stays in your blood.