What I want to say is "you're not helping", "you're doing the thing that I'm trying to say shouldn't happen", and "are you even listening?"

Are you listening?

Or are you just filtering, filtering, filtering? Looking for bricks to build your house, your wall, your monument. Searching for what fits with what you already have. Refusing to take the opportunity to grow.

Today's world is frustrating beyond measure. It's mainstream now to talk about my favorite topics and to talk about them badly, loudly, belligerently. How many times do I have to say it?

I love my city.
I love my neighbor.
I love justice.

And because I love those things, I ache when my city aches. I ache when my neighbor aches. I ache when justice is denied.

And to everyone talking about anything else, "you're missing the point". It's political to love all of your neighbors. It's political to love your city no matter what it chooses. It's political to exist in a world built on injustice. But being political and being a question for the politicians is not the same thing. We have to be better than them.

When you try to wave me off as "too political", I hear "I only love when there is no risk or complication."

I am not well.

And that means that I have lied to a lot of people this week. Or maybe just few. Truthfully, I'm not keeping track. Truthfully, I can't go into the specifics with everyone who asks. And it isn't fair to ask without investment. But I digress.

It's not like I know what kind of unwell I am anyway. I just don't feel like myself, don't know if I can access all of the parts of my brain, and don't know when it got so difficult to be in my skin. But it is hard to be in my skin. My thoughts and my bones running up against limitations.

All of my internal resources seem much more finite than I remember. Creativity, emotions, energy, focus, problem solving, resiliency. And I know that I haven't suffered much so I don't know where these limitations have come from.

I am not a very strong person. But I am good at rebuilding.

And sometimes people mistake that for strength.

But I tear so easily.

I am not a very strong person. But I am really quick to remake what has been destroyed.

A week. A day. An hour. I don't need much.

But I crumble frequently.

I am not a very strong person. Believe me when I say this.

And this week has been one for the books. My insides are just dust blowing through the doors and windows of my heart and mind. And then I pull myself together long enough to communicate. Just long enough to try to make sense.

But I am not a very strong person so it doesn't last long.

And I don't know how there are humans whose whole lives are marked by an injustice that I barely understand, who still love and fight for the good in this world.

I am not a very strong person. But I know some very strong people.