The problem is that I don't' feel like I have a place in your new life because I am not new. I am the adult who was the child who was formed by the choices we made back then. And I will be living with those choices for the rest of my life. I cannot tell you how badly I want to be new with you. But I am not. I am tired and damaged and raggedy. I want to forget but I do not. I want to start over but I cannot. I want it to hurt less but it does not.
The apology is always for the drugs and the alcohol and whatever may have been done while under the influence. I do not know how to tell you that the influence was only a small part of the problem, that those years were the easy years because there was finally a reason that made sense. How do I tell you that the worst scars are the ones that I gained while everyone was sober? Nobody is apologizing for that.
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