For a little over two weeks now I have been struggling with headaches and overall soreness from clenching and grinding my teeth at night. One tiny day at a time, I've been inching my way towards that dreaded title, chronic pain. Pain without purpose. Pain without end. Pain with such a distant beginning. Few things terrify me like chronic pain. The need to be so incredibly patient with a body that is not on your side. The need to be so ineffably strong so your pain doesn't seep and soak into everyone around you. The need to advocate for yourself but not constantly bring it up either. 

I'm a morning person so I am taking this one extra hard. I love to wake up in a quiet house, read, stretch and take things slowly with a cup of tea. But when I grind my teeth, none of that happens. I wake up wishing I could remove my face and groggily try to brainstorm things that will make the pain stop. It takes all morning. Today, I didn't feel myself for a full 5 hours. I stretched, drank water, took pain killers, tried (and failed) to finish my tea. But the pain wouldn't let go. 

And I cried even though crying made it worse. And I clocked into my desk job even though I wanted to sink into a pile of blankets and not feel a single one of my bones. And eventually, the vice lessened. We'll probably do it again tomorrow. And that scares me. Knowing that when I wake, it will be back is awful. Knowing that it's reasonable to expect a daily tax of 5 or more hours from here on out. I'm hoping to find solutions but it's so hard to manage pain and seek answers at the same time.