Oriah

I've started a coaching program and I think it's the best decision that I've made in a long, long time. Never have I had a group of people hold all of my pain and hopes so gently and so firmly. This week, we met to talk about the book "The Invitation" by Oriah which is an exposition of her poem by the same name. It's staying with me, coming back in parts and pieces. Today, the piece that comes back is this: 

"It doesn't interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy."

I think a lot about that last line: if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I think about the people I have disappointed, the ways I have changed that they have not liked, the ways I have refused to change and so on. I think about my family, my relationship to religion, my career and so on. There is a sea of people's expectations and I am floating on this verse, holding my head up to catch a breath. 

I have this ache to be understood. And it is deep as well as old. As a kid who was often coached and coerced into understanding and extending sympathy to irresponsibly adults in my life without that call for understanding and compassion being reciprocated, I feel this like a wound I am afraid will never close. And I think I'm afraid that it will never get better. Maybe it won't. There are a number of family members who show little interest in understanding me rather than trying to change or educate me into something more palatable. Maybe we will always have this chasm between us. And I think I'm just trying to live my way through the question, "what then?" The answer is, "I will go on."

The Invitation
It doesn't interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn't interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.