I've been writing a lot. But none of it feels presentable. It's difficult these days to focus. I've been reading up on human rights violations in ICE detention centers, losing faith in humanity, and then trying to find my way back to somewhere safe and stable. 

I've been thinking about the Old Testament question: "Am I my brother's keeper?" I've been reminded of the Jesus who picked up a whip to cleanse the temple. Somehow I missed the whip on my last meditation. God with a weapon. I've been comparing Jesus with a whip and Jesus in Gethsemane, trying to instruct my heart on the complexity of God on earth, God surrounded on all sides by injustice. God who defended the poor, the sinner, the unclean...but who didn't defend himself. And I've been thinking about how badly I want to be understood, how dangerous it feels for those in authority to misunderstand me, how I really should be looking to God to understand me and worrying less about other folks. How I shouldn't pick up a sword to defend myself, but the precedent is definitely there to fight injustice by cleansing the temple, defending the poor and oppressed wherever we find them.

There's a surprisingly large amount of overlap between being misunderstood and fighting for justice. I've been struggling to remember what I'm fighting for. My ego gets hurt and I retreat. Someone I'm close to advocates for complacency and I feel anger simmering in my skin. Sometimes, injustice happens to us and things muddle even further. Which Jesus am I supposed to emulate when I am attacked? Can I choose both? Am I choosing the Jesus in the garden because I'm afraid of standing up for myself and suffering seems holier? Am I choosing Jesus with a whip to fill my desire for vengeance? 

Vengeance is always what people, especially church people, will accuse you of when you seek justice. When I see Jesus with a whip, I don't see vengeance. I see a glimmer of what John will prophesy about in Revelation. I know that it must be possible to pick up the whip and seek justice without getting mixed up in self-righteousness, self-protection and vengeance. But the path is narrow and it is easy to fall off. 

I am, however, comforted by a God who disagreed frequently with Synagogue leaders, taking up a whip to defend those who came to the temple to find God. I am comforted by a God who enters his own temple as a stranger and is angered by the greed that taints worship, by the way access to God is restricted, by those who profit off of those who would draw near to God. I am comforted by a God who would defend the poor and unworthy worshiper so thoroughly. For once, there are no parables or teachings or prayers. No miracles--except that of an angry God cleaning house. For once, you cannot mistake him as buddha-serene, detached and aloof and whatever we think holiness is. God with us. God who sees us. God who loves the unworthy. God who defends those whose oppression is normalized, commercialized.

And I know there is more to this. I know I'm supposed to bring this full circle. God with a whip and God in the garden of Gethsemane, teach me the meaning of, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Teach me what the answer to that question is as I continue to learn about Black Lives Matter, the abuses of ICE, and all of the other weights the world has. For now, I think the answer to that question is, "Don't look away." So I'm looking. I'm learning. I will not close my eyes to the suffering of others just because it hurts. I will see the stranger as my brother.

Meditate

I’m learning what it means to meditate on something day and night. This past year has felt like good meditation. Like chewing. Like climbing inside a chrysalis. Like the type of act of faith that will either transform you or prove you the fool and rob you of any remaining faith.

It wasn't a comfortable start, but the longer I meditate the better it feels. Holding a Scripture in mind for days. Turning it over and over. Examining it. Wondering "Why these words?", "Why this emphasis, order, or phrase?" Comparing expectations with what I find. Chewing and chewing. Thinking about what I know of cultures that are closer to the those of the writers represented in the Bible. "What did this mean to them? What were their expectations? What was their reality?"

It's been good to meditate. To return to familiar Scriptures and interrogate them, chew on them, let them change me. It's been one of the most grounding things to return to these days. To know that God cares about the things tearing my city apart. To see that as my reality gets more complicated, Scripture keeps pace.

Good Samaritan

There are days when the world seems so cracked and battered that I do not know what the point of getting out of bed is. There are days when injustice and pain seem so total and complete that I feel guilty for the ease of my life. There are days when the success of evil people pulls me down like a weighted net. And I wonder if there could possibly be a "how" or a "why" meaningful enough to heal the world's wounds. I wonder if there is a "when" imminent enough that it would save anyone.

How is it that grieving human suffering has become political? How is that nurturing human life has become political? I hear folks talking. They want people to "deserve" dignity and nurture and success. But if they don't, then I don't. And I cannot make more sense of it than that. I want people to share my grief so I share theirs. I want people to work towards a world where we all can succeed, so I work for and celebrate everyone's success. But mostly, and I cannot stress this enough, I believe people. I do not question their tears, their worth or their stories. The few times that I have needed people to believe me and they failed to, have stayed with me as deeply impactful moments that have illustrated how much we all need each other. 

 It's a popular thought in today's society to "move somewhere out in the woods and become self sufficient". The mindset behind that bothers me. And I wonder if it isn't more meaningful for us to take care of our neighbors, to allow ourselves to be taken care of by our neighbors. And for our neighbors to include everyone. People will let you down. You will also let people down. AND, you will let yourself down. There is no protection, no armor, no strength, no independence, and no self-sufficiency so total that you won't get hurt. Every time we remove ourselves from society to "live off the grid" we weaken the community that we could be a part of, and we remove ourselves both from being able to help others heal and for others to help us. So many healers, peacemakers, and bridge-builders are sitting on the bench hoarding their gifts and talents and impoverishing the world out of self-preservation or a distaste for the political. It makes me want to weep especially on the days that injustice feels particularly heavy.

Thinking about "going off grid" or more accurately people's desire to withdraw from human community, I always come back to the story of the good Samaritan. It's on the list of stories that keep me up at night. Jesus telling this man (this expert in the law) who has kept all of the commandments to love his neighbor as himself. This man (maybe earnestly or maybe not) asking who exactly is his neighbor. I suspect that he thinks he already loves his neighbors. Maybe he's expecting some guidelines like you might find in the Talmud about how many steps from your door someone has to be in order to be an official neighbor. I don't know. But I wish I did. I wish I could see inside this man's mind.

I also wish I knew why Jesus responds with a story that puts the audience in the position of identifying with the man who gets mugged and left for dead. It feels like the man asking, most churches, and myself would be much more likely to identify with the helper who comes to show kindness. But we aren't allowed that. We are the man left for dead. And our neighbor is not the local rabbi or the priest. Presumably they say a prayer and keep walking. (Like I do in so many situations.) They are also not the helpers, the neighbor. 

The Samaritan who will definitely not receive anything for helping. The Samaritan who definitely doesn't know the man from church, work, or anywhere else, decides to help. The Samaritan who could probably be blamed for this man's injuries if the wrong Jew finds them together. He is the neighbor. Jesus could be describing an undocumented Mexican immigrant helping an abused and half dead dude in a MAGA hat with a striking likeness to our President and this story would not be any less shocking or challenging for the man who asked "who is my neighbor". And the Samaritan man doesn't just help him out of the ditch. The Samaritan performs emergency first aid, brings him to a hotel, and pays for all of the medical and food bills. He never asks for anything. Actually putting himself at risk in the process. Maybe the Samaritan knew what it was like to be the kind of human people would prefer not to see on their commute. Maybe the Samaritan thought "if I don't help him, who will?" Maybe the Samaritan had been practicing compassion like the spiritual discipline that it is.

Jesus asks, "who was the beaten man's neighbor?" And the expert in the law doesn't have the guts to say "the Samaritan" (and I think that's intentional evasion) so he says "the one who had compassion on him." Jesus doesn't miss a beat, "go and do likewise." Jesus, telling this successful, presumably righteous, expert in the law to be like the Samaritan has got to be the biggest slap in the face that the man has ever experienced. I don't think there's a more impactful way to say that everyone, yes everyone, on this planet is your neighbor. Help them heal. Pay the bill. Don't complain about it. Don't seek compensation. Love your neighbor like you love yourself. Share the risk of being human. Be like the Samaritan. Be kind to Samaritans. Don't just be kind to your neighbors, be neighborly to everyone.

It's a difficult interpretation. When you begin looking at the whole world with each individual as your neighbor, the sheer number of folks bleeding in a proverbial ditch that you are responsible for can overwhelm you. This challenges American individualism head on. But the Bible wasn't written by Americans or for Americans. It's not meant to validate our country or our culture. It's meant to show all of humanity the Kingdom of Heaven. Where it challenges our cultural ideals, we should pause, have humility and meditate. Return to the words again and again. 

I know I do. The violence in my city, the way selfish people want to control the narrative, and the coldness of those who I thought were committed to loving their neighbor has driven me to a deeper meditation of Scripture than anything else ever has. And I'm not done yet.

Persist

I read about the Persistent Widow in the Bible and all I can think about is how I never want to be like her. To need justice from an unjust judge. To know that they have no interest in justice. To have no other recourse but to ask the judge again and again. It’s a story of persistence, yes, but also of powerlessness. Of water wearing down a stone. Of patience born not so much out of spirituality but out of necessity.

In the end the judge says to himself, “Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!” I see the promise here even though I don’t want it. She didn’t win by having the best moral argument or by having popular opinion on her side. Neither strength nor intelligence gave her power. She won because the judge was afraid he would never be rid of her and that she would eventually attack him. There are so many reasons why I feel dis-ease when I read this. First and foremost is the fact that I want to win the judge over with my words, my rightness, my cleverness. But I cannot argue him into fearing God and doing what is right. Such is the world. So many times I have asked for justice and what I wanted was the power to explain and defend myself. But that isn’t the promise. The promise is that if you show up with persistence, the unjust will relent. Not “they will know better” and not that they will be any less corrupt.

And I wonder how I'm supposed to apply that now, today. If you’re outside of Portland (and the other cities protesting vigorously), you might not know how active many churches have been in these protests. If you go to an all white church, you might be surprised that other churches view this fight as their own. If you are able to look at this issue from far away, you might not see that some churches seem to unanimously support BLM and others see it as a source of division while still others unanimously condemn the movement. When it’s your family, coworkers, pastor, or friends who might not come home after a traffic ticket, this fight feels different. It's not just the names of the dead that you want to remember and give justice to. It's also about the names of the living that you want to protect.

I know these issues are big and complicated and messy. You can get lost for days asking "how much violence is too much violence?", "would anyone listen and seek change if protesters asked in a nicer way?", and "what do people really expect to accomplish?" and so many more questions. But when I pray for my city, I ask that we be like the persistent widow who kept asking even though the judge was known to be corrupt and did not care what God or man thought of him. I ask that we show up for justice regularly in big ways and small ways. And I ask that no one has to attack the judge before he relents. I ask that part of the promise be that he will relent before violence is "necessary", but I also admit that I don't know how this is "supposed to go". What I do know is that the protests have been largely peaceful so far, but they don't have to stay that way.

I didn't expect to find that line in the Bible when this story started tickling my brain. I wanted the story to end with the judge understanding the value of justice but it ends with the judge just trying to save themselves from the threat of the persistent widow. None of the moralizing that I expected to find exists here. No extolling a good patient wait or extorting the virtues of gentleness, only a widow committed to her own need for justice and a judge who is moved by self-preservation. May it also be so here in my city with the judges, the legislators, the government officials, and the police. There certainly are enough widows in the streets these days. And may God grant peace in my heart as I continue to wrestle with this passage.

Mediator

My friend looks at me with compassionate concern. "I can see how you think that it's your role to mediate between these two people, but it might be better for you if you can think of someone else who would be willing."

And just like that my head is swimming. I have made a whole life on being the mediator and I never meant to. Do any of us ever mean to? Suddenly, I want to talk to other people who find themselves in mediator roles regularly. I want to know if the idea of finding someone else who is willing makes them want to cry/laugh too. I want to know if they were ever truthfully, perfectly willing...or if they were just less willing to let the alternative play out.

I am 29 years old. And I can honestly say that there has only ever been one time in which I volunteered to mediate out of a motivation not mixed with self-preservation despite mediating almost all of my life. That one time happened just this year, a couple of months ago. The success of it still feels new and fresh.

When I mediate, I enter a space inside of myself where I've made room to try to look at a situation from every angle. It's a space where my own needs don't mean very much, where logic only matters to the degree and in the way that the two people in disagreement are using it, and where I take a very hard look at where a step together in the same direction might be possible. It's a ruthless place that doesn't have room for considerations that are ideal but not immediately possible or for imagining what could have been. It's a cold room full of scalpels used to piece apart want from need, vengeance from justice, guilt from regret and so on. Until all of the weapons have been sorted from the armor. Until all of the the crooked paths are un-knotted. Until all that remains is misunderstanding and the next step to lessening the void.

This room inside of myself is helpful when trying to build bridges between two people. But when I myself am in conflict with someone, I find myself running back and forth between my experience and this room. Attempting objectivity. Naming the obstacles between myself and the Other. Returning to my memories to feel around again for clues to where it hurts and why that might be. Back to the room and the scalpels and empathizing with the Other. Scattering tools between one place and another. Locking myself in or out of wherever I think I need to be. Trying to build a bridge or find a path or craft a metaphor that contributes to understanding. It's exhausting. I get lost. I get it wrong. I get hurt. People get hurt.

My friend was being a good friend and she was right to ask if there was someone else. But all I could think was "Are any of us Mediators here by choice?" Were any of us gifted the tools for bridge building because we were the best communicators, the most objective, the most skilled negotiator, or the best qualified by any metric? Weren't we just in the right place at the wrong time? Aren't we all just people who are broken by our love for things and people who can't occupy the same space, people too stubborn to give up? Don't we become mediators by trying to knit ourselves, our homes, our realities back together? Until this year, every bridge I've ever tried to build was also an effort to bring a distant piece of myself safely across the river, safely home. I didn't choose the tools or the trade. I only stretched my hands out for anything I could hold onto in the opposite direction of complacency and oblivion. I chose "not destruction" and found myself here making bridges, fighting for reconciliation.

And I guess that's the difference between an adult and a child. As an adult, I can find other ways of protecting myself. I don't need to mediate to survive. I can leave any situation. In that way, my skills are a gift I can give or withhold like any other gift. It is good to remember that. It is good to remember that I am not obligated to try to heal every wound. It gives more meaning to the times when I choose to do so. It's also good to thank the child who chose mediation over complacency when none of the choices seemed very good. I'm proud of the person I was trying to be back then and of the choices my younger self made.

Portland Jesus

"Unrest" is how we characterize these days. A pandemic. An ongoing protest against police brutality. And the thousand myriad interpretations of what is really going on. It's amazing how the 2-3 city blocks which house the protests and destruction by both protesters and law enforcement have been made to look like the whole city is under siege and in flames. But we are Portlanders. We are used to rearranging our commutes around parades, naked bicycle rides, and protests. Living here has taught me just how many good causes there are to champion and how gathering to protest is in itself a healing form of self-expression and community expression.

These last two months have been the most heated protests I remember. More so than Occupy Portland or the anti-Trump gatherings. More so than previous BLM gatherings. And for good reason. My city loves a good protest. And, contrary to the expectations I brought when I moved here, protesters are organized beyond measure. There are folks who show up just to interrupt violence before it happens and folks who come strictly as legal advisors or medics. Other folks take on education or play music. It's not a mob. Mainstream media will show you the fires and the anger, but they'll never show you the care and consideration. The people who create cash accounts for the small businesses damaged. The small businesses who show up to the protest even after their windows are broken. The folks who show up the day after to clean up trash, glass, and tear gas canisters (hint, it's not the police). The folks in vehicles on call to take injured protesters to emergency rooms. The folks who provide instruction and advice on "how much protest" you want to participate in and what to do if things escalate quickly. The folks who stay home and pray and those who show up just to hand out water and snacks. And I wish people who don't live here saw that side of Portland, that side of the protest. It's why I'm not afraid of what is happening "down town".  It's why calling it a "riot" never seems accurate.

I haven't found my role yet. This is something I feel guilty about. But in these last two months I keep trying to imagine Jesus in different places around Portland... in the churches, in the streets, on the police force, in the crowd getting gassed, healing the broken, comforting the family of those killed by police officers. And I know he supported racial outcasts like Samaritans and social outcasts like tax collectors, thieves, and divorcees. I know that his few times on record as angry had him withering fig trees and throwing tables in the temple (presumably because profit had interfered with the value of people and their access to God). So maybe Jesus would like a good protest too. I know that he never had political ambitions but that that didn't stop the pharisees from seeing him and his followers as a political threat. I know that the way he listened to and treated women, Samaritans, Roman Gentiles, the disabled, orphans, thieves, and the unclean upended the social order of his day, but that he valued those people over keeping that status quo and a false peace. I know that Jesus warned us about trusting those who speak about peace when there is no peace.

And I know that the Jesus I was told to be like has conveniently been wiped clean of all of those difficult facts and more difficult emotions. I'm supposed to resemble the oil paintings of Jesus in the garden, suffering for the world but doing nothing more than kneeling in prayer as I prioritize spirituality over our present circumstances, a beatific smile on my face. But I also know the words to the book of James like the back of my hand. From beginning to end it is a challenge to do something. To put faith to deeds. To not show favoritism. To be wary of teaching because you will judged. To pay those who labor for you fairly so that the wages don't cry out against you and consume you. It's a book that makes me want to flip tables. I like to think that James was the half-brother who understood Jesus best as a whole, divine person.

Truthfully, I don't know where Jesus would be in Portland. But I also don't know where he wouldn't be.

I can’t be sure where we’d find Jesus were he in my city today. But I do know that he always affirmed the value of those who had no power, whether they were born blind or caught in the act of adultery. When he was criticized for eating with tax collectors and sinners, Jesus’s only defense was that "the healthy don’t need a doctor". And I know that statement wasn’t meant to endorse the righteousness of the pharisees and claim they weren't sick. I’m beginning to suspect it was meant to criticize them for their own reluctance to eat with tax collectors and sinners.

So when I look for Jesus, I look for him among the sick who know they are sick. I look for him among those seeking medicine, seeking change, seeking justice. I don’t know what he would be doing for sure. Maybe he’d be chanting, “no justice, no peace” with my city. Maybe not. But he certainly would eat with the least of us. He would heal the most broken. And he would affirm the image of God in everyone, but especially in those who political and church leaders have forgotten or excluded.

Today I feel strong. I haven't felt strength in a long time--not in body, mind or spirit--so I know that I should give thanks.

I thank my body or not quitting on me when my will exceeded my physical limits.
I thank my mind for looking into the darkness without losing the light of the twin lamps of reason and compassion.
I thank my spirit for drawing me forward when my body and mind were unbalanced and unwell.

And I thank my Creator God for making us in so many parts so that each may look after the others. I give thanks for work that wears out the body and brings sleep when the mind would worry and worry. And I give thanks that weakness does not always persist and that suffering is not an end to itself. I am thankful to be strong when strength is not promised to any of us. And I ask for wisdom for how to use this strength. May it not bless only myself.