October Coming

"Do one thing every day that scares you." Eleanor Roosevelt

At the end of October, expect a detailed list. If you feel so inclined, share yours. Some days should be more exciting than others.

Stars. :)

I have already shared this with a lot of people; but, just in case I have not shown due excitement, I want to share this.

This is the most awesome free software I am yet aware of.

That is all for today. Go explore.

Skin to marrow to unexplored soul.

How do I explain this?

Fall makes me... restless. In a good way.

It makes me seek changes I have long been putting off. But fall in the city feels off beat. Fashion changes first. Then Halloween paraphernalia comes out. Then change grabs a few leaves or the air temperature. It feels funny. And I ... get stuck. Like a lizard trying to shed old skin, but not allowed out.

I'm not sure if that was a helpful metaphor.

But I am itchy. Skin to marrow to unexplored soul. There is no salve I know for this. Only the need to lie still out somewhere where I can count the space between passing cars in minutes, in breaths taken and released.

Yes that is what I need... a forest full of release.

There is nothing which *mandates* that my most itchy days be lonely days. It is just... that I become picky about my company. And the company which I would choose is typically unavailable on these days. Or they do not understand the importance of them. Either one. Justified or unjustified. I am at a point in my life where I do not wait for people because the longer I wait for people who are very likely going to misunderstand... the itchier I get. I can come very near to manic if I wait too long.

I do not know why.

There is pressure pushing me from an unknown direction. It is not meant to be lonely or to make me antisocial... It just is and it does.

I would bring people if they would come, but schedules are treacherous things. You need to be good at them, but not too good. Or else the itchy days will get you and gnaw on you until you blow off the really important things. In view of the week I have planned, I should not go. I have homework and preparation to do. In view of the week I have planned, it has to be today.

So South it is. Lunch is packed. Camera is charged. Notebooks still have space. Books are yet unread.

Grab the keys. It's time to go.

Real Fear

I am afraid.

I am afraid in new ways I have not yet known. This is real fear. I know a lot of people who are afraid of a lot of things. I often times do not understand. But here I am, very much afraid, and only just now finding the words to say what it is that I am feeling and have been feeling.

I am afraid that it did not happen.

I am afraid that I woke up.

I am afraid that I am starting over.

I am afraid.

And if it never did happen, maybe it never will.
If it was a dream, maybe it will never be real.
If I have to start over, maybe I will not start at all.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Being done with mechanics should be a relief; but I am back at Bible College for my senior year. The longer I am there and the more I adjust, acclimate, and succeed... the farther away the last two years feel. Maybe they did not happen. Maybe I do not know anything about airplanes at all. If I do, maybe I will forget. Maybe it was just a joke or a vacation.

I was kind of hoping it would be the rest of my life.




It will take all of my strength to hold onto both of my realities until I graduate and forge a new one.

God provides things you don't think you need sometimes.

He gave me free muffin tins, old bananas, and a sunny Saturday morning. I've been in culture shock for two weeks and sick for the week after that. Today, though, today, I feel that he has not left me alone to figure out the rest of my life.

I do not know why I know it so strongly now. Only that I made banana bread muffins with what he gave me. Muffins are different than my usual banana bread because they are what my mom always made. The mornings I woke to banana bread muffins were always special.

Somehow, that makes this morning special. Somehow, it invites parts of me that have long been standing vigil to sit down and rest. Somehow, today is the day that the wind comes and hits my sails at just the right angle to reassure me that I am not stuck here. I am indeed moving in a direction and that is enough today. Last weekend a good friend took the time to remind me of exactly where I want to be and why I am doing what I am doing. I went flying. There is not anything I love more than flying. But I needed this week to challenge the rest of me.

Most of all, I needed this morning to tell me that I am full sail ahead for something. Something involving flying. And that is enough today. Hopefully that will be enough for quite awhile.

Some days are slow going. Like this one. It's chilly so the blood flows slow and thick until you get moving, get your heart pumping. But so much of life does not actually get your pulse up.

So some of us drink coffee. Others drink tea. Some go for a run. Others sit and wait.

I like sitting and waiting, if I have the time. The day, however, is sneaking up on me. The morning is slipping away. The time is coming when I will simply have to rouse myself. There will be no inspiration. Just a lot of will.

But I am cold. That does a number on my will.

Truth is... I do not want to feel today. That takes energy I do not yet think I will receive today. I want to sleep until it is over. If I cannot do that, I want to get through my day as fast as possible and get as much done along the way. I do not want people to ask me how I am because I am afraid I will be honest. And I cannot buoy their inquiries today.

I want some chicken soup and some rest. I want to write my paper before my ideas grow stale. And then I want to lose this day to the thousands I have already left in the past.

Maybe that is grumpiness speaking. Or maybe just honesty. For now, I will suffice it to repeat over and over until I believe these words, "my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Already I begin to forget and so I begin again "grace is sufficient...grace is... grace..." That's going to be a tough one to remember, but it fits the theme. I don't suppose it should be easy. Today, that is what gets my heart pumping. Just trying to hang on to Truth until I see it.

Morning.

I love the morning.

I say this with my eyes not yet fully open of their own accord. I say this not yet ready to talk to anybody who does not understand the sacredness of morning.

I don't wake up feeling on top of the world. In fact, even this morning I groaned internally when I realized it was 7:00am and then 7:09am (which felt like an hour later) ... and my body was not going to go back to sleep easily. I do love sleeping. It is not the act of waking up that I enjoy in the morning. Rather, it is mornings like this one. I cannot see the morning from my bedroom. But now I see it is one of those perfect mornings.

It is Saturday so the world rests easy. The birds wake up first, after the sun. The air is crisp and cold but the sun shines gently promising it will not stay this way. The space between summer and fall is best, especially for mornings. The evenings hold onto the warmth built up in the day, at least here in the Northwest of the States. But somewhere in the night, a chill steals in and mornings crack open. I wish I had a porch swing.

There is nothing quite like wrapping yourself up in a blanket, bringing something hot to drink, and watching the world wake up slowly. You can hear yourself think in those early hours. Nobody has to know that your thoughts are slow or disorganized. Morning is a good back drop to organize yourself. I feel like my soul can breathe then. Nothing is yet expected of me. It is something I can share with the world before society wakes up. Society with its demands and rules, with its expectations and deadlines.

Let that sleep.

I want to wake to stillness.

I want a space to be.

I want to remember who I am before the day starts and I am too quickly reduced to function and reason. I am so much more than just who I have to be. Everyone is so much more than who they have to be to make it through their day. But it is so easy to leave the rest of you out.

I have felt much like I have been knocked out of orbit while the rest of the cosmos spins quietly on; but I have been sustained this far. Only now, in this space, am I beginning to accept this new season of life on its own terms rather than the terms I thought I could set. That, that is freedom. And so I breathe easy as one who is free, but has not yet forgotten the feel of being bound and the weight of shackles.