Real Fear

I am afraid.

I am afraid in new ways I have not yet known. This is real fear. I know a lot of people who are afraid of a lot of things. I often times do not understand. But here I am, very much afraid, and only just now finding the words to say what it is that I am feeling and have been feeling.

I am afraid that it did not happen.

I am afraid that I woke up.

I am afraid that I am starting over.

I am afraid.

And if it never did happen, maybe it never will.
If it was a dream, maybe it will never be real.
If I have to start over, maybe I will not start at all.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Being done with mechanics should be a relief; but I am back at Bible College for my senior year. The longer I am there and the more I adjust, acclimate, and succeed... the farther away the last two years feel. Maybe they did not happen. Maybe I do not know anything about airplanes at all. If I do, maybe I will forget. Maybe it was just a joke or a vacation.

I was kind of hoping it would be the rest of my life.




It will take all of my strength to hold onto both of my realities until I graduate and forge a new one.