Big and Small and Deep.

For a long time now I have felt this push and pull between what I have described as a "small life" and a "big life". Looking back over the years, the definitions have changed and fluxed with whatever pressures and choices I have faced. Sometimes a "big life" meant choosing a life devoted to ministry which would affect many people but which would ultimately be more uncomfortable. Sometimes it meant being involved in aviation. Ultimately, it really meant "whatever felt bigger than me" with all of the fear and intimidation that could carry with it. A small life has typically meant "what was expected". For many years that was defined by a marriage, a house, kids, and comfort. It meant settling down, shrinking until I was no longer coloring outside of the lines that had been provided for me. There has never been a time where I desired that kind of smallness no matter how comfortable. Not when I was 8, 18 or 28. 

These definitions have never been meant to make a comment on what other people choose, just a way for me to try to find my own path. And I'm starting to wonder if it isn't time to change the definitions again. Maybe "big" and "small" are missing the point. Maybe what I want is something more...connected, rooted. And maybe what I really want is better described as a "deep life". Not deep as defined by how much I overthink things (got that covered from day 1). But deep as a description for the roots in a the community that I hope to build soon. Deep as in inextricably tied up in the folks around me. Deep as in deeply interconnected. 

I didn't grow up that way. My dad was weird and my stepdad was abusive. Not very many people were allowed into our family circle because it upset a delicate balance and an agreed upon silence. Through it all, I think I've been craving the kind of connection that you can't have while protecting secrets about those you live with. The kind of community where you can say "help" and know that folks won't judge you or be surprised. The kind of community where people will ask for what they need also. Where our successes are caught up together and our problems are shared.