Two chapters into "How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community" by Mia Birdsong, I already want to recommend this book to everyone I know. I want to say "this! This! THIS! This is what I have been growing inside me as I read and study and think about what I want in my life." Finally, there is somebody who has the words that I need. And I am ready for them. How beautiful is that? How strange is it to find the needle you have been searching for in a world of hay stacks?
Birdsong is talking about the American Dream and talking about whiteness and how unsatisfying both are. And by "whiteness" I don't mean light skinned people, I mean the culture that we have made by erasing our roots and separating people into how much power they have by the color of their skin. I mean the individualism, the consumerism, the worship of independence and wealth, and all of the other values that make up white America.
Ever since I bought a house I have felt like I joined a club and I can feel the pull of the American Dream. The only problem is that I have never believed in the American Dream. Not when I was little and not when I became an adult. I couldn't say why it never appealed to me, but you can probably blame a certain body of literature for why I was always wary of the markers of status that indicate success for those who are purchasing the American Dream.
I want a dream of fulfillment that doesn't have a price tag. I want a dream of success that is accessible to people of every life circumstance and income. I want the richness that comes with being known and loved. And I have always known that whatever else the American Dream was or wasn't...it was not a way to be known and loved. Plus, I am naturally averse to competition of nearly every kind. That being said, Mia Birdsong's criticisms of the American Dream resonate deeply with me. I want there to be another way, another metric of success, a deeper way of connecting.
Halfway through the book, I am beginning to feel like I have part of a map for that kind of connection. I am encouraged because it includes a definition of family that doesn't exclude my stepmom who hasn't been my stepmom for 10+ years but who is family anyway. Without name or title for our relationship. And if I choose to have a family, I'd want them to think of her as family. And as I struggle to figure out how much vulnerability to give to my family of origin and the family I married into, I find guidance in Birdsong's words.
I'm finding that maybe my family doesn't get to have as much of my trust and vulnerability as I have shared for no other reason than because they don't reciprocate that trust and vulnerability. I show up as my whole, honest self and they show up polished and wrapped in their defenses. It's exhausting to maintain vulnerability that isn't reciprocated. It's also not safe. But part of the American Dream is a loyalty to family that transcends everything including safety, health, and accountability. And that is taking a lot of energy from being able to build relationships with people who will reciprocate my honesty and trust. I'm looking for people who will tell me when they need something so that I know it's safe to ask for what I need.
"The practice of explicit communication that she found there countered the fantastical ideas we learn about relationships. 'I think we have to deal with the idea that we learn from movies and from norms that say, "Oh, relationships are so organic. You don't need to say anything. Things so naturally happen." Well no, things naturally fall apart.'" And if that isn't what I've been fighting against all of my life, I don't what it is. There are plenty of people who bail at the first sign of needing communication and continuous effort. And maybe I've been one of those people if the type of effort and the season of my life didn't line up with what someone was asking for. Maybe if we had been able to talk about it explicitly, we could have made something work.
As I get older, I leave more doors open but I also leave through more doors. I'm both more confident in leaving when a relationship doesn't feel mutual and I'm trying to be more gracious about the fact that sometimes people can't give me what I need and it's not necessarily personal. They might come back in later years with exactly what you need. The world is both huge and very small. People who you used to know find their way back in unexpected ways. But being clear about what you need and want from your community helps avoid slammed doors, cut ties and loneliness.
No comments:
Post a Comment