collage

This is my favorite place to watch sunsets within easy walking distance of my Portland home. Sunsets here are different then they are in Kalispell...mostly in that they last longer and don't mix and mingle with the mountains. Mostly, I'm sharing this picture because I fell out of the tree on my way down after taking it...and I don't want that to be in vain. It's not a great shot strictly speaking, but I didn't take it because of its visual aesthetics.

Anyway, I am realizing more and more that I cannot remove creativity and art from my habits. With all of my mechanics classes and trying to train my brain to think in new patterns, I have not made the time I promised myself I would for art...consciously at least.

Art is so much a part of my lifeblood that it finds me. It is beginning to feel a bit inevitable--not that I mind. It just fascinates me. Between this inevitability and my celiac disease/gluten allergy adventure, food has taken the brunt of my excess artistic energy. I keep inventing, mixing, marinating, frying, baking, boiling and so on. It starts with a flavor or a texture I want...or a color or a shape. I do not always understand and I do not always succeed, but it keeps me sane. It keeps away the food depression of what I miss eating and it becomes an outlet. And it kind of took over my life, not in a bad way. It is just surprising how quickly and deeply adaptations can be made.

The photo is of my chicken marinade today. It has honey, vanilla, red wine vinegar, olive oil, cumin, paprika, red pepper, chili flakes, white vinegar, mustard, lemon juice, black pepper, and salt. It is special because I think I may have successfully made a meal just for me. I don't really know how to cook for one. Too much cooking for my sisters, for restaurants, for soup kitchen etc. Not that those are really bad...but when you realize that you can just as easily cook for twelve as for one... and then that cooking for 80 really isn't THAT much more difficult than twelve... cooking for one just does not make sense. It is expensive and inefficient. And it is easier to take care of others than just me.

But hey, I am learning discipline and a rearrangement of priorities. I am accepting that not eating gluten makes things more complicated. I am going to be the person who makes people feel uncomfortable and who makes group decisions a bit more cumbersome. It is counter intuitive and not at all what I ever would have chosen, especially for who knows how long. But that does not change anything. I need to take care of myself rather than make things easier or simpler and martyr myself. This is surprisingly difficult to persuade myself of on a daily basis.