onward! to life and living! ...

The last two weeks have been simultaneously so full of deeply good and beautiful things with people that I don't know how to tell that they bless me...that they really are the brothers and sisters that I tell them they are, each for a different reason....

And yet these two weeks have been so full of questions and hard things. Things that I do not *want* to rouse myself to do or think about. I know that I can, but that hardly seems to matter. These, among other unbeautiful things.

I have been having a sort of mid-college crisis just wondering if what I am doing is actually going to get me to where I hope to be. And every time God gives me just enough to go on. At this point, I am just trusting that I was in a better place holistically when I made the decisions that I did...and that God did not mislead me.

When I was talking to him on the beach, He just kept asking me what I really want. Honestly, all that I want is to fly, have a little sunshine, and never leave His sight...disregarding the impossibility of successfully leaving His sight because that is not the point. The point is that as long as He can see me, I will be ok. Because He is good. And I can build on that. I can trust that. Everything else works out after that.

I keep telling myself that. And I know it. And I believe it. But it doesn't take away the aches and metaphysical soreness that I want so badly to be rid of. I find myself chaffing against time and longing for eternity. So I made cookies. Goodbye cookies, specifically. Because home really is where the heart is and my heart is on a train that is leaving me mercilessly mile by mile and minute by minute. And I do not know when it will return. Maybe in August, if the stars align. Maybe for Christmas. Maybe. Or maybe it will be longer, but I do not want to think on that.

Restlessness pricks

then scratches

then gnaws at my feet

until I am walking.

walking. walking.

I set out

to pace the whole world

over and back

over and back

and back again.

I cannot be trusted

to come home

when I do not know

where home has gone to.

Moreover,

I am missing all my anchors

that may have fought

against these restless winds.

My sails are full of discontentment

My vessel has a ready crew

That has long been listening

To the songs the wind sings

To children and kites and birds.

But, ironically,

my heart is just not in it

my dear.

And that, is only

because you hold it.