Originally, this shirt made me laugh. It was a gift from a friend because she knew that I wanted it. And, while I still think the shirt is funny and have days where I want to wear it around... my life philosophy does not have room for it anymore.
There are two parts to any kind of love that lasts whether it is romantic, friends, or family. It would seem that as a habit, men and women like to excel at only one of them; but it does not work that way. It is easier to always give or always take. It is safer too, but it is not real love and it is not humanity as it should be.
I think it can be more difficult in a lot of ways to let yourself be loved than to give love away, though both options are equally empty without their counterpart. It opens you up to scrutiny and keeps you open for disappointment. It means you have the ability to hurt someone else with whatever they find inside of you; and you have to trust that they are not going to just leave after that, especially if they have the right. It is complicated and messy and ... uncomfortable.
But I am learning. And that has been my journey for awhile now. Learning first that emotions are not inefficient. I will feel everything. Learning how to let myself fail. I will do it again. Learning to forgive people who will not stop hurting me. It will be worth it. They are worth it. And my own freedom is worth it. Learning to trust God. He really does know what He is doing. Learning to trust myself. Learning to accept that people love me. But more than that, that I need people to love me. And when I do not deserve it, I need it that much more.
I get that God loves me. That is who He is. And I cannot do anything about that.
It bewilders me to pieces and makes me feel small and unworthy, but so full gratitude and joy too.
I do not yet understand the mystery of God giving us varying forms of community to love us. All these imperfect, selfish people trying... and He is going to make something beautiful of it? It seems like the hardest way to do this. It feels like total, unrestrained chaos erupting past centuries, through millennia, straight into eternity.
...that is, it feels that way to me. But what have I made? Nothing, nothing at all. And if God can hold that chaos in hand, He is so much bigger than I have yet to discover, again. Or will discover next time. I am not surprised. I am getting used to this feeling. I even have learned to feel safe in it. It is just that, I am gaping at mysteries so much larger than myself, and I cannot help but stare.
No comments:
Post a Comment